


Watching You (Watching Me)

by Loth-Cat (Starbird)



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebellion Era - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Bendu neither ships nor doesn't ship it, Big Fat Kiss, Depression, Ezra likes older women who can boss him around, Ezra's a lot more mature in this one than usual, F/M, Firsts, Friends to Lovers, He's the one in the middle, I can't believe they're still not together yet, I don’t make the rules 🤷♀️, Kanera!, Lots and Lots of Pages Later, Missing Scenes, Oh No He's Hot, POV Alternating, Past Relationship(s), Pining, Post-Malachor Angst, Probably S4?, Probs cuz I've been writing it from season 1 on, Rating Could Change IDK We'll See, Seasons 1-3 at Least, Sexual Frustration, Sexual innuendos, Slow Burn, Spoiler Alert: They Get Together, Suicidality, Undercover as a Couple, Unresolved Sexual Tension, We’re in It for the Long Haul Friends, idk why, it’s canon, jealous!Sabine, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:28:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 27,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23163262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starbird/pseuds/Loth-Cat
Summary: Sabine has always had a soft spot for Ezra, since the very first night he was on theGhostand she saw him looking forlorn and lost. It takes time and maturity, but eventually they become friends. Best friends, even. Could it…possibly…become something more…? Sabine is not sure she wants that. But Ezra does. He always has. And slowly he will work his way into her heart so that it’s inevitable: she can’t help but fall for him.**ON HOLD 10/12/20**
Relationships: Ezra Bridger/Sabine Wren, Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla, Minor Ezra Bridger/OFC
Comments: 395
Kudos: 287





	1. The First Night

**Author's Note:**

> OKAAAAAY, SOOOOO. One of my dreams is for there to be a Friends to Lovers fic that spans the entire show from the beginning and culminates in them getting together. I wanted to write a slow burn. I finished up a oneshot I had a ton of fun writing, about them doing surveillance together in S2. I remembered I had a bunch of ideas for oneshots that I would probably never got around to writing.
> 
> _I realized I could combine them all into one fic._
> 
> So here you go: a long, multichip slow burn with literally ten ideas in one (so that’s ten chapters right there). Also going to have more KANERA. The ideas that were originally oneshots I’ll title. While this is linear, it’s not going to follow an overarching plot for now. Just want to get all those oneshots in and show their relationship evolving! I loooove. ❤
> 
> Not planning on the rating going up, but then, “Just This Night” was just supposed to be a sweet fluffy bedsharing fic with a kiss and my only Sabezra fic so 🤷. (@aluckydenvermint, don’t you DARE.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ezra’s first night on the _Ghost._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well let's get going, then...

_Put your lips close to mine  
As long as they don't touch  
Out of focus, eye to eye  
'Til the gravity's too much  
And I'll do anything you say  
If you say it with your hands  
And I'd be smart to walk away  
But you're quicksand_

_I can't decide if it's a choice  
Getting swept away  
I hear the sound of my own voice  
Asking you to stay  
And all we are is skin and bone  
Trained to get along  
Forever going with the flow  
But you're friction_

_This slope is treacherous  
This path is reckless  
This slope is treacherous  
I, I, I like it_

_~[“Treacherous,” Taylor Swift](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cOqgarjuRc) _

_-Sabine-_

She found him holed up in an engine compartment with a flat pillow, old blanket, and his pockets stuffed with rations. It had somehow become her job to hunt him down after he’d disappeared when everyone else had turned in for the night.

“He’s lost and scared,” Hera had said. “He needs a friend.”

“That is not me,” Sabine argued. “I’m not going to be the buddy to some baby street-rat. Besides, he…” She paused and wrinkled her nose. “I think he has a crush on me.”

Hera had smiled. “That’s cute.”

“It is _not_ cute.”

“Come on, Sabine. Look at you! Of course he does.”

“You know, she has a point,” Zeb put in. “I saw the way he looked at her. I literally had to haul him away.”

“It’s not cute,” Kanan said with side-eye at Hera, “and it’s beside the point. Sabine, you’re going.”

She’d growled, but she’d also known there was no way she was going to win this one. _“Fine,”_ she’d snarled, and turned away to go search for him.

Cocking her hips and putting her hands on them as she looked at him from the hatch to the engine bay, she said, “Your bunk didn’t work for you?”

Ezra started and looked up at her, guilt on his face. “Oh. Hi. I, um…”

“Was stealing all our rations.” Walking up to him, she bent and scooped up the ones falling out of his pockets. “We’re going to feed you, kid. You’re safe now. It’s okay.”

He didn’t look like he believed that. Sabine crouched down next to him.

“Pretty impressive you stuffed yourself in there,” she said, and motioned as if she were talking to a young pet. “Come on out, now.”

Ezra unfolded himself from the compartment and stood up, dragging his pillow and blanket along with him. A couple more ration packets fell out of his pockets and slapped against the ground. As he stared up at her, she saw too much sadness in his big eyes, too much loneliness. He _was_ lost, and he was scared.

“All I’ve ever known is the street,” he said. “At least, for a while now. I don’t know how to do this.”

Sabine shrugged. “It’s not hard. Take a breath, blow it out, keep going.” He frowned briefly, but she wasn’t about to apologize. He was fourteen, street-wise, probably hardened more than he thought. Who knew what all he’d had to do to survive, or what he’d seen in Capital City’s back alleys and seedy areas? She wasn’t going to handle him like her five-year-old cousin back on Krownest.

But she also wasn’t going to be cruel. That wasn’t her.

“You want a tour or something?” she asked. “And do you need a blaster?”

“No, I’ve got this.” He motioned to the device on his left forearm. Sabine scoffed.

“That thing?”

“It’s an energy slingshot.”

“I know what it is, and it’s stupid.”

“It’s saved me before,” he argued defensively.

She patted him on the shoulder. “That’s cute. You need a _real_ blaster, kid.” Turning around, happy that at least she’d gotten the conversation onto a sensible track, she started to leave the engine room. He followed, and she asked over her shoulder, “You know how to shoot?”

“Yeah, sort of.”

“We can practice.”

“With you?” Sabine scowled; he sounded _far_ too hopeful. “Uh, yeah, okay, that would be really great, I bet you’re _really_ good – ”

“First rule,” she cut in, whipping around at the hatchway and barring his way with her arm stuck across it, “is no talking more than strictly necessary.”

“Uh, okay, but I have a question – ”

“No questions.”

She turned back around and continued toward the weapons lockers. When they got there, she opened the blaster case and selected one for him, along with a beat-up holster.

“Here,” she said, shoving them at him. He looked at them for a moment before taking them in his own hands.

“Thanks,” he murmured.

“No problem. We want you armed.” When he didn’t say anything, she added, “You good? Can we all go to bed now?”

Ezra nodded. “Yeah, sure. Thanks.”

“Like I said, you need to be armed.”

“No, not for that. I mean thanks for being nice and helping me.”

Uncomfortable with that sentiment, she snorted. “We help people out. That’s what we _do_.” She walked past him to leave –

“How did _you_ join the crew?” he asked. Anger flared up inside her, along with a whole host of bad memories.

“That,” she said quietly, “is a story for another time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is short. Like I said, almost all these ideas were oneshots. Bear with me. Next chapter is them painting the stolen TIE for [callioope](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Callioope/pseuds/Callioope) (check her out for INCREDIBLE writing. Seriously. INCREDIBLE. So much talent there.), then "Surveillance," a longer oneshot about them being sent out together on a surveillance mission in S2 and bonding.


	2. TIE-Dye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ezra and Sabine paint the stolen TIE fighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For @callioope 😊 This got waaaay more feelsy than I meant.

_-Sabine-_

A fyrnock, Sabine decided, was not a necessary subject to put to canvas. She’d been debating it in her head as she painted Zeb and Ezra’s stolen TIE fighter over the last day, then finally concluded that no, it wouldn’t look good, and also, she really didn’t _need_ to commit them to a physical surface. Her memory was enough.

“When are you going to let me come with you?” Ezra whined the morning after the fyrnock incident. “You wouldn’t even know about the TIE if not for me.”

“Yeah, because you can’t keep your mouth shut,” Sabine replied as she loaded up her knapsack with supplies. “I work best alone.”

“I know that, but come on. The TIE belongs to me and Zeb. It’s only fair you let me play with it, too.”

Sabine scowled. “I’m not _playing_ with it.”

“You know what I mean.”

“No.”

“Sabiiiiine.”

She growled. “Fine. But keep your hands to yourself. No touching my gear.”

\---

“Whoa!” Ezra said in amazement as he looked up at the half-painted fighter. “How much time have you been spending on this?”

“Enough,” she said curtly, kneeling down to get her paint guns out. “Helps me think. I need to get away sometimes.”

“All the time.”

“If you’re going to add in commentary, you can leave,” she returned acidly.

“I’ll be good.”

“Right,” she muttered. Standing, she tossed him one of the guns. “You can start with cleaning out my gun. It’s jammed.”

“Uh, okay. Sure. How do I fix it?”

Sabine shrugged, even though she knew exactly how. “You’re smart. Figure it out.”

Ezra glared for a moment, but didn’t say anything. Instead, he plunked down on a rock and started examining the gun. Sabine turned her attention to the section she was working on, priming her gun with a few experimental sprays as she did.

She worked in silence for a few minutes, Ezra fiddling with the jammed gun behind her. Eventually she heard the hiss of the spray mechanism, and put her hand out for it. He dropped it in her palm, then stepped back and allowed her to work. It took her a good five minutes before she realized he wasn’t saying anything. Nothing stupid or flirtatious or irritating. She glanced over her shoulder to find him reclining back on the rock, knee up, a sketchbook propped against his leg. With a frown, she asked,

“What are you doing?”

“Drawing,” he replied.

Her gun lowered. “You draw?” She’d seen the bag he was carrying when they left the _Ghost_ for the TIE, but she’d assumed it just had food in it.

“Yeah,” Ezra said. “Not like you, but…yeah, I do. To pass the time. I kept a journal back when I was on my own.”

“Oh.” Something swirled through Sabine that she didn’t quite like. A fondness. An understanding. “Can I see?”

“Sure.”

Sabine walked over to him, and Ezra held the book out to her. As she took it in both hands, aware that she was seeing a very private part of him right now, she noticed the smudges on his skin from the short, thin charcoal pencil he was using. In his other hand he had a kneaded eraser that looked well-worn and badly in need of a replacement. She studied the drawing, sensing his eyes on her. He wanted her approval, she was sure of it.

“Is that you?” she asked, pointing to the seated figure in the distance.

Ezra nodded. “And Capital City. The market. My tower’s there.” He tapped the page.

In the drawing, people congregated in one of the plazas near the market. They looked happy, and there was no sign of the Empire anywhere. On the other side of the page, away from the market, stood Sabine and the rest of the _Ghost_ crew, close together. But…Ezra wasn’t with them. He was far away.

“Why aren’t you with us?” she asked, but she knew the answer.

“It’s…I have this…thing,” he said slowly, rubbing the back of his neck – a habit she’d noticed early on. He was nervous. Unsure. “I mean, not a thing, but… People always leave, you know?”

Sabine did know. Her hands tightened on the drawing, and stinging emotion pressed against the backs of her eyes. He was too young for this.

“Not always,” she replied quietly. “Our crew doesn’t leave anybody.” She looked over at him, to see him staring intently at her. Not in the uncomfortable way he usually did, with his burning infatuation, but with open eyes, listening to what she had to say. Receptive to it. Sabine quickly looked away and handed the sketchbook back. “It’s good,” she added.

“Thanks.”

“Your supplies aren’t.”

“It was all I could afford.”

A pang hit her chest. She knew that, of course, but she was just trying to joke with him, rag on him, get things back to normal. Not make him feel worse.

“Well, you should’ve stolen better stuff,” she said with a smile, putting her hands on her hips. “I bet you could’ve lifted – ”

“I didn’t steal it.”

Her voice died. Ezra’s head was bowed over the drawing, his pencil and eraser clutched in his left hand.

“Oh,” she said. This was too much. Too much. She cleared her throat and waved at the TIE. “Hey, I’ve got a section over here I think you’d like doing. It’s orange.”

That got him to smile, and he met her eyes again. “You’d really let me paint it?”

Sabine shrugged and smiled back. “Sure. As long as you do what I say and don’t argue.”

Ezra set the book and supplies down on the rock and hopped off. “Count me in.”


	3. Surveillance, Pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hera sends Sabine and Ezra out on surveillance. Ezra doesn’t wanna do it. Sabine needs him to just stop. Feels happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 1 of 2. Set in season 2. Made up the planets. This was SUPER fun to write. I don’t ever write them pre-S3 before they really grow up, so this was a lot of fun. Hope you enjoy!!
> 
> Also, y’all: KANERAAAA. FLUFFY.
> 
> Chapters will start getting longer after this. I split it up into two parts because I added Kanera to it.

_-Sabine-_

“Sur _veillance_?” Ezra groaned petulantly as only he could do, crossing his arms and slumping down in the booth behind the dejarik table. “Her- _a_.”

Hera put her fists on her hips and frowned. “You’ll notice Sabine’s not complaining.”

“Of course not.” Ezra motioned to her. “She gets to use cool gear.”

With a frown, Sabine smacked him upside the head, as she so often did. “It’s that I’m more mature than you.”

“If this goes well and we get the intel we need from the governor,” Hera continued, frowning extra hard when Ezra shoved Sabine under the table, “then we might even send you in undercover.”

Ezra rolled his eyes. “That’s even _worse_ ,” he muttered.

Sabine poked him hard in the side. “Stop being such a baby.”

Shaking her head, Hera turned around. “Children, you’re raising my blood pressure. Gear up and get going.”

\---

_-Hera-_

The cockpit doors swished open, and Kanan looked over his shoulder at Hera with a smirk. “I see what you did there,” he said. Hera returned the smile.

“Whatever do you mean?” she asked coyly.

“Sending the kids out on a long, overnight surveillance mission while Zeb and Chopper are elsewhere.”

Hera dropped into the pilot’s seat and crossed her legs. “We needed to check up on Ertis’s governor. Erdis has an underground rebel presence and we needed to refill our supplies.”

“What moron,” Kanan said as he stood, “named the planets so that they sound exactly the same?”

“I have no idea.”

Putting his hand out to her, Kanan pulled her up from her seat. He twirled her under his arm once, then pulled her close. “Well,” he murmured, “it would seem we have the whole ship to ourselves.”

“Do we now?” Hera said, resting her hands on his shoulders as his settled on her waist. “I had no idea.”

With a smile, Kanan leaned in and kissed her. Hera brought her hands up to cup his face, and then she said, “We should probably make the most of it.”

\---

“Stop crowding me.”

“You stop crowding me.”

“You’re in my space.”

“You take up too much space.”

“It’s _my_ space.”

With a final shove, Sabine ejected Ezra from the front of the _Phantom_ , and he sulked back to the passenger area and put down one of the seats. “This one tilts down. Zeb must have sat in it.”

Sabine ignored him and focused on their landing coordinates. Ezra was mostly quiet behind her, though he occasionally shuffled his feet, muttered incomplete sentences to himself (“Where is my…?” “Did I check my…?”), and sighed laboriously.

“Oh, calm down, you big baby,” Sabine finally snapped after ten minutes of this. “We’ll be there in a sec.”

Ezra stood from his seat –

“I didn’t say you could get up yet. You should strap in for landing.”

“ _Please_ , safety procedures – ”

Sabine jerked the ship hard to the left, causing him to lose his footing and fly into the floor.

“Ow!” he cried. “You did that on _purpose_!”

“Yes, I did,” she said. “Now did you learn your lesson?”

Ezra growled and rubbed the side of his face, red from where he’d hit the metal.

Sabine landed smoothly and folded up the wings of the _Phantom_. Their coordinates took them to the base of a heavily forested, high cliff. Sabine double-checked the gear in her pack before hoisting it up onto her back.

“Grab yours and let’s go,” she said. “It’ll be full night soon.”

They’d landed during twilight, and they only had an hour to ascend the cliff and find a spot before it got completely dark. They moved in silence, the world darkening around them as they walked. The weather was cool, the air breezy. Three moons shined above, the middle one hanging low and heavy in the sky. It gave them enough light to see by, but way up here on the cliff, with the forest looming dark and impenetrable behind them, the light was dim at best.

Sabine and Ezra began setting up without a word, already used to working together even though it had been just a year since Ezra had joined the crew. Satisfied with her part, Sabine sat down cross-legged and picked up her macrobinoculars. Adjusting the settings, she zoomed in on the governor’s house a few kilometers away. The official had thrown a party tonight, and she could see guests gathered on the rooftop balcony, laughing, drinking, enjoying the event. She familiarized herself with the house, sweeping the binocs back and forth in a slow, wide arc, learning as much as she could before the party got into full swing. Next to her, Ezra was silent, doing the same.

“I count six bucketheads on the ground,” he said, “doing perimeter patrols, but otherwise, looks pretty quiet.”

Sabine scoffed and lowered the binocs. “We’ll see about that once things get going.”

“I don’t see why we’re wasting our time on this. Who cares about a bunch of Imperial credits switching hands at this thing? Doesn’t affect us.”

Sabine rolled her eyes in irritation. “It _does_ affect us, Ezra. You just can’t see it because you’re too _young_.”

He snorted but didn’t say anything else for a moment. “Just caught a guy sparking up.”

“Glitterstim?”

“Yeah. What a loser.”

“I dunno, I hear it gives you Force-like abilities. Who doesn’t want that?”

“Shut up.”

Sabine smirked.

“I wonder if he’s…wow, he’s really making an ass of himself to this girl. Guess he had to do drugs to get up the courage to talk to her? Double loser.”

“Right, because you are the foremost expert on talking to girls,” Sabine muttered.

Ezra responded with something close to a low growl, and she smiled behind her binoculars. This might be boring work, but at least they enjoyed each other’s company.


	4. Surveillance, Pt. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to EVERYONE who sent such nice comments over the last week after I put my work on hiatus to take care of my depression. You guys really helped, and I can't tell you how much I appreciated it. It truly warms my heart to know how much you enjoy my work and that it touches you and helps you and makes you happy, too. Thank you. ❤ Also, this is a big, fat chapter. 😊
> 
> FYI: One dirty joke, and that’s it. ::raising hands defensively:: I was good this time, folks. They’re bitty bbs in this.

_-Sabine-_

They were deep into hour three with very little information, Sabine’s binoculars plastered to her face again and Ezra sulking on his back on the ground.

“I’m so _bored_ ,” he said. “I hate being bored.”

“I hate listening to you whine,” she replied. “Why don’t you do your job instead of complaining?”

“I’m a Jedi. I’m far more valuable doing other things than _surveillance_.”

“You’re hardly a Jedi.”

“Am too.”

Sabine lowered her binocs and pressed her lips together, studying the city. “Ezra, the Jedi of the Old Republic were taken away at six months to begin Jedi training. You’re sixteen and you still trip over your own boots.”

“That happened _one time_.”

“One time a _week_.”

He didn’t have a counterargument – she had exaggerated but was mostly right – so again, he stayed silent.

But not for long.

“If a nek battle dog were to fight a bantha,” he asked curiously, “who do you think would win?”

“Dunno,” Sabine said, sitting up straight and bending her neck to flex sore muscles. “Never thought about it.” She closed her eyes as she rotated her neck around. “Probably the bantha.”

“But a battle dog can get pretty big. And they’re vicious.”

“The bantha has size.”

“The battle dog has speed. And teeth. _So_ many teeth.”

Sabine opened one eye to look at him. He was still staring up at the dark sky, arms flung out to either side of him. “Is this…do you actually…like, spend _time_ thinking about these things?”

“I mean, sometimes I look them up on the HoloNet.”

Sabine shook her head in wonder. _“Wow.”_

“Nos monster or aquabeast?”

“Okay, I don’t know what an ‘aquabeast’ is, but I want to punch whatever moron named it.”

“Do you think it’s possible that moon could just drop out of the sky onto the planet?” Ezra asked, pointing at the biggest one. “And if it did, what would happen?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Like what if it just… _dropped_? You know? Just fell out of its orbit and just _dropped_?”

“No.”

Ezra opened his mouth to undoubtedly say another stupid thing, when his datapad pinged. Turning his attention to it, he swiped the screen a few times. “Hey! I got a new picture of Pypey. Oora just sent it to me. It says, ‘Here Ezra Pypey face.’ Aww.”

“Who’s been teaching her Basic?” Sabine asked as she picked up her binocs and looked through them again.

“I have,” Ezra answered. “When I have time.”

“You have free time?”

“I mean, sometimes.” He rubbed the back of his neck, a nervous habit he’d had since he’d joined the crew. Come to think of it, Kanan did that sometimes, too. “A little, yeah.”

Sabine smiled, charmed despite herself by his continued compassion and selflessness. “That’s nice of you.”

Ezra was quiet, looking at the picture. “He’s really grown. Oh, did you see this one?” He shoved the pad up right in front of Sabine’s face, forcing her to focus on it. It was a picture of Ezra and the hideous baby Ithorian (“Still don’t know which end is up,” Zeb said last time she saw the thing), him grinning and Pypey reaching out with grabby hands as Ezra held him. Disconcerted, Sabine turned away and raised her binoculars again.

“You’re good with kids,” she said. “Natural. Useful skill.”

“Ew, no, I’m not,” Ezra replied, wrinkling his nose and clearing the datapad’s screen. “I just connect with things.”

Picking up on how much it rankled him, Sabine pressed further. “Things like _babies_.”

“I had a baby cousin once, okay? He was irritating and my aunt made me walk him up and down her house to calm him. I don’t know, it seemed to work,” he said with a shrug. “She got tired a lot, my aunt. Worked all the time, and my uncle got hurt in a mining accident. One of the old Pryce mines. So my aunt had to pick up the slack and… It was just really hard for them. She’d come over to our house with Zeke and I’d feed him in the middle of the night so she could sleep. And cry. She cried a lot.”

Sabine’s lips compressed as she studied him, all desire to tease him gone. “How old were you, Ezra?” she asked quietly, because she knew he’d been on the streets without his parents since he was seven.

“I don’t know, six?” he said. “Wasn’t long before my folks disappeared.”

“Is your aunt still there?”

Ezra shrugged. “Probably. They weren’t into causing trouble. Always told my parents to leave it alone.” He looked out toward the distant city, the breeze ruffling his shaggy hair. “They should have,” he murmured.

Sabine’s mouth twitched. She felt uncomfortable. Sorry for him. She didn’t like that feeling. He’d never been open about his past with the crew, and certainly not with her. Words wouldn’t come, nothing comforting or joking or… _anything_. The silence lingered between them, but it wasn’t horribly awkward. Sabine was used to moments alone with Ezra being very awkward, with his terrible flirting and boyish infatuation. Even at sixteen, he still looked like a little boy, but she knew that appearance belied his true strength. His powers were growing, faster than he really knew how to harness or handle them, and he was not someone to be underestimated. She liked him well enough, was fond of him, more like, and she enjoyed being around him when he wasn’t acting stupid or embarrassing himself (which was most of the time). It was nice, she realized. Having someone her own age who she could just… _be_ with. Just sit in silence –

“I’ve only kissed one girl,” he blurted right into the middle of the peacefulness, and just like that, Sabine’s warm feelings evaporated. Rolling her eyes, she said,

“Can’t help you there.”

“Have you kissed boys?”

Sabine looked at him out of the corners of narrowed eyes. “Ezra.”

“What?” he asked, genuinely not aware of the line he’d crossed, big blue eyes open, innocent, curious.

Well, if he was going to be like that, then she was definitely going to mess with him.

“Yeah,” she said smoothly. “ _Lots_ of boys.”

With a small smile, satisfied with her response, she pressed the binoculars to her eyes again.

“Oh,” he replied quietly. Sabine tried to ignore the tone of his voice, the trace of hurt and disappointment in it, and studied the governor’s mansion. A couple thought they’d found a private place to grope and make out, but she’d caught them.

“Here,” she said abruptly, shoving the binoculars over at him even though he had his own pair. “To the left of the cupola. Get some pointers.”

Ezra frowned at her briefly before raising the binoculars and searching for the location she’d named. She watched as his mouth fell open, and he laughed.

“Ha!” he said. “ _Wow_ , that guy is really goin’ for it.”

“Lucky guy.”

“No kidding. If only I had that kind of luck.”

Of course he had to make it weird, even if it was just an funny offhand comment. Sabine snatched the binoculars back so fast, he still had his hands in the position of holding them after they’d disappeared from his face.

“You’ll never have that kind of luck, Ezra,” she muttered. “Stick to your own league.”

“And what’s that?”

“Your own hand.”

“Hey! That’s…I don’t… You’re mean!”

“Shut up, Ezra.”

He did, grumbling something to himself and picking up his macrobinoculars again. “This is stupid anyway,” he said under his breath.

“Why?” Sabine replied. “Got a date with your right hand?”

 _“Stop,”_ he growled, and she suppressed a laugh at his bright-red face.

Something on the roof caught Sabine’s eye, and she smacked Ezra’s arm. “Hey. Check it out. Got some movement.”

“Where?” He picked up his binocs and swung them toward the couple.

“Not _there_ ,” she said, pulling on his wrist to move the binoculars away. “Over _here_.”

“Ohhh.”

They both watched as the governor led another man around the roof of his mansion, pointing out flowers in the garden. After a few minutes, it was clear nothing more was going to happen. Sabine lowered her binoculars and sighed. No luck. They were going to have to continue to wait.

“I can drink three fizz-pops in five minutes,” Ezra said, binocs still glued to his face.

Sabine shook her head, not wanting to indulge him.

They lapsed into silence for a bit longer, with Sabine sweeping the binoculars around an interesting canyon to the east. It would look amazing on a canvas. A huge piece, change the color palette around –

“Sabine,” Ezra whispered urgently.

She scowled. “What.”

“I have to…”

She couldn’t hear the rest, so she looked over at him. “What?”

“I said I _have to go to the ’fresher_ ,” he finished on a whisper, like he’d said something scandalous that couldn’t be repeated in polite company. “Like _really_ gotta go.”

Sabine wrinkled her nose. “So go. I’m not stopping you.”

“There isn’t one.”

Dumbfounded, Sabine motioned to the massive expanse of dark woods behind them. “You’re a guy. There are woods.”

“I know, but…” He trailed off, seemingly embarrassed by natural processes. If he thought he was offending her delicate sensibilities by having to take care of business, he was a moron.

But he was one anyway, regardless.

“Just _go_!” she said. “Take care of yourself and get back here and work. You can’t tell me you’ve never done this on missions. I _know_ you have. You and Kanan both.”

He pushed up from the ground and disappeared into the trees, with only an offended _“Ow!”_ when something apparently injured him.

 _Ugh,_ Sabine growled to herself, shaking her head at his idiocy.

When Ezra came back, he sat on the ground with his legs crossed and settled his hands on his knees, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. Sabine watched covertly, trying not to be obvious about it but knowing he might be able to pick up on her feelings or what she was doing. The only feeling she had right now was curiosity, but she still had no desire for him to sense it – or anything about her in general.

“I’m supposed to do this stuff often,” he said.

“Does that actually work?” she asked. His shoulders lifted a little.

“I don’t know. I’m not very good at it. Lot of thoughts in my mind. Hard to silence it.”

“I guess that’s the point.” He’d calmed down a lot since she’d met him, but even she could sense his jitteriness right now.

After a few moments, he was so still Sabine wondered if he’d fallen asleep. His chest rose and fell rhythmically, so maybe he was. She lay back with her head on her pack and crossed her ankle onto her knee, flipping through various things on her datapad. The silence was lovely, and again, she started to think that she could get used to this. Having a friend her age who she could just be around. Just…having a friend in general, really. Even if it was Ezra Bridger.

She was dozing off herself when he came out of the meditation, stretching his neck and rolling his shoulders.

“Good?” she asked.

“I feel better now,” he said.

“Great. Your wizard powers are growing.”

“I’m not a wizard,” he replied crossly. “Although there’s something… Give me your palm.”

Sabine did not. “What? Why?”

“Just…gimme.” He motioned with his hand, and she sat up and moved closer to him, turning her right palm up to him. “Other hand. Non-dominant.” She switched. “With your glove off, silly.”

Eying him, not really liking this, she tugged the glove off and gave him her palm again. He took it gently between his, and she was glad, at that moment, that he had his own gloves on. It had been so long since she’d been touched gently by another person, and it made her feel weird. There was nothing romantic between them, of course, and of course there never would be (absolutely no way), but his gentle touch was…nice. He _was_ gentle, and kind. Such a good person, and she really did feel lucky to know him, irritating as he was. Maybe with time, and growth, and maturity, he’d be better.

“I used to do this back home,” he said, running his finger along the crease in her palm by her thumb. “It’s palmistry, an old Lothalian art. My grandma was a really good palm-reader, could read for anyone – ”

“Yes, I’ve heard of it,” she snapped, hand curling into a fist. “Will you just get on with it?”

“Sure. Sorry.” He focused, tilting her hand this way and that. “Sorry, no more boyfriends. You’re going to be a spinster.”

Sabine jerked her hand, but not enough to pull it away from his. “I really will hit you.”

“Sorry, sorry… That’s not really what palm-reading is about, anyway. It’s about who you are, not the future. I…used it to scam people on Lothal.”

“Not using your powers for good, eh?”

“No, not then.”

Ezra’s uncharacteristic seriousness tugged at some part of Sabine’s heart, the same part that felt sorry for him when he talked about his baby cousin. She frowned again, watching him study her, taking it seriously. He tried so hard sometimes, and the thing was, he didn’t even have to. Things like this were so sweet of him, and – if she had to admit it – he really was cute. In a you’re-my-obnoxious-kid-brother-I’m-just-aware-of-it-good-for-you kind of way. Disarming goofiness, the gorgeous shade of his eyes, the tan tone of his skin, even the unkempt way he wore his hair (he still would not let her cut it) and the way he unconsciously tucked it behind his ears sometimes. If he would just stop _trying_ so hard, they could be real friends. Real siblings, like she and Tristan had been before she left for the Academy, before she let her family down, before things fell apart –

“You have nice hands,” he said into her musings.

“So…what?” Sabine asked impatiently, ignoring his comment. “What did you scry?”

“It’s not scrying,” Ezra said. “I don’t scry. You have fire hands.”

“Unsurprising. Now what does that mean?”

“Passionate, confident…can be tactless.”

Sabine snorted. “Wow, brilliant observation. What are you?”

“Water. Emotions, intuition, stuff like that.”

“Soft.” Also unsurprising.

Ezra scowled. “I’m not soft.”

“You are _very_ soft,” Sabine said. “Squishy. I could _crush_ you.” Ezra’s scowl just tightened more, and Sabine filed that, along with babies, into the back of her mind for things to tease him about later. “What else?” she asked.

“You’re confident in your abilities, smart, know what life’s all about,” he said. “Very artistic. You’re mostly happy.”

Sabine rolled her eyes. “This is all stuff you know about me already.”

“Right, but I’m just confirming it here. Resourceful, imaginative…not a lot of compassion, though. To hide true feelings.”

“How are you doing this?” she asked, ignoring that comment as well. “What, exactly, are you ‘reading’?”

Ezra started pointing things out. “These are the different mounds. I’ve read all these.” He indicated five of the six spots.

“What’s that one?” Sabine pointed to the mound at the base of her thumb, which he hadn’t read. When he didn’t respond, she looked up.

To see that he’d reddened.

Ezra cleared his throat. “That’s love. I usually only read that when scamming people.”

“Well?” she demanded, curious.

“I’m not scamming you,” he said. Her hand was loose in his, and his head was bowed over it. Sabine put her free fist on her hip.

“I want to know,” she said.

Ezra tightened his fingers again. “You hide things,” he said slowly, “like I saw before. But underneath it all, there’s a passion and kindness there. Your mound is actually pretty prominent, which is surprising.”

“Why’s that?” she asked with an arched brow, not sure she really wanted to know this particular part.

“Well, I just thought it would be lower. Means you don’t like romance or…or love, really.”

Sabine snatched her hand back, angered. “Why wouldn’t I like love?” she snapped, very tempted to hit him with the very hand he’d just read. Ezra looked back at her, his expression a little hurt and stunned.

“You just,” he started, evenly, _carefully_ , “don’t seem like the kind of person who would _want_ to fall in love.”

“Just because I don’t – ” _Like you._ She cut herself off and swallowed. There was no cause to be mean to him. He hadn’t _done_ anything. He was just doing some stupid gypsy trick, some metaphysical, bogus banthashit.

Ezra hung his head, and Sabine’s anger began to evaporate. Did he know what she was about to say? She had an awful feeling he did.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “It was just a stupid party trick.”

Guilt was not what Sabine expected to feel, but feel it she did, and her heart softened toward him – as it annoyingly always did. “No, it’s okay, Ezra. It sounds like it was – is – important to your people.” He shrugged, and she struggled to think of a way to get things back on track. He was sweet and mostly innocent; he didn’t need her crap. “Anything else you can do?” she asked.

“Yeah,” he said, his confidence returning. He cleared his throat and looked up again. “Yeah. I can read your future.”

Once more, Sabine rolled her eyes. “Of course you can. You’re a Jedi-in-training.”

Ezra waved his hands. “No, no, not like that. Not like a Force vision. Those come randomly. Kanan said psychic people are just tuned into the Force more than regular people, and I used to do that with people, too, for a little extra cash.”

“Okay.”

“Do you want me to?”

Sabine shrugged. “Why not?”

“I’ll need your hand again.”

She arced her hand back toward him again. “Lay it on me, Bridger.”

However, by the time her hand hit his, he’d shucked his gloves and the bare skin of his palm met the back of hers. It was a shock to her system, not because he was making it weird or anything, but because it had just been so long since she’d touched another human being like this. Skin to skin. It was nice, actually. Having warm, soft skin against hers. Being able to touch him like this without him making something of it. Their relationship had grown, she realized, even if his obnoxious crush was still there. He could be completely normal around her, and that was really nice.

Ezra closed his eyes and took a deep breath, holding her hand loosely in his. She watched him as he sank into the Force, breathing evenly.

The first thing he said made her burst out laughing:

“A lot of explosives,” and he smiled in response to her laugh. “Fire, fighting…I guess a lot of the same. A long search…I don’t know what for. Something you really care about, or someone, I don’t know… I can’t see that. It’s pretty fuzzy. But – oh, you do end up happy, with someone you – ”

Ezra broke off abruptly and dropped her hand like it was a live wire. She looked up at him, brows drawn together, but her expression immediately cleared when she saw his. He blinked at her, mouth slightly open, as if he were in shock.

“What?” Sabine demanded, scowling at him. “What is it? Do I wind up with a loser who has poor taste in art?”

But he just shook his head slowly at her. “It’s nothing…” he said. “I…I must be tired.” He lowered his head and rubbed at his forehead. Sabine narrowed her eyes at him.

“What did you see, Ezra?” she asked in a voice that sounded cold to her ears.

“Sabine, it’s nothing,” he assured her. “I just…sometimes see these weird things, you know? Anyway, the future is always in motion.” He picked up some of his gear and got up, turning his back to her. “It doesn’t mean anything.”

But her eyes stayed narrow as she watched him tidy up the campsite, a hint of a smile on his face. She had no clue what he’d seen, but obviously, it made him happy and he didn’t want her to know it. Giving herself a shrug, she picked up her datapad to see if she had any new messages from Hera. If it made Ezra happy, and Ezra was her friend, well, that was good enough for her. He’d always looked out for her, sure, in a creepy way, but –

Her finger suddenly paused over the screen, and her head came up. He couldn’t mean…

Sabine looked over at Ezra, blinking once, twice. _No…_

Shaking her head, she returned to her datapad. Of course not. If he’d seen that, he would’ve flipped out. He probably just saw her with someone they knew, and he was amused by it and didn’t want to share – either out of jealousy or because he wanted to torture her and have something to hold over her. Or maybe he wanted her to be surprised. Who knew with him?

She trusted his Force abilities, even if he had as much trouble reading visions as most other Jedi supposedly did. If Ezra was happy for her, then she was happy. She had someone out there who she was going to fall in love and be happy with, and that was good enough for her.

Glancing over at him again, she thought that as long as it wasn’t Ezra Bridger, who was currently cooing to a violently hissing snake, she’d be fine.

Really, anything but that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got my info on palm reading here. I dabbled some years ago. 😊 Planning on coming back to Ezra’s vision and the undercover mention from the previous chapter!
> 
> Next up: get ready for some post-Malachor angst:
> 
> “I don’t like it,” Zeb said after a very long time of silence. “I’ve finally decided. I hate your hair.”  
> Ezra scowled over his bowl and kept eating. “Didn’t ask for your opinion, Zeb.”  
> “It’s too short.”  
> Ezra scooped up his bowl, spoon, and water cup and stormed over to the sink. He threw all three in, and the cup shattered. Angry with himself, he clenched his fist, and the bowl burst apart, too, in a shower of shards. One sliced across the base of his thumb, and he hissed. Blood swiftly slid down his hand and dripped onto his jacket.  
>  _“Shavit,”_ he muttered. This day was already not going right.  
> There were footsteps behind him, and Sabine said, “You all right?”  
> “What does he look like?” he retorted, pressing his palm to his mouth to stem the flow of blood.  
> “It looks like you can’t take criticism. Also, you know better than to put bacteria into a wound.”


	5. Whataya Want from Me? (Ezra), Pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Malachor, the Presence tempts Ezra with everything he’s ever wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First Ezra POV chapter. No judging my use of Adam Lambert lyrics. Great song, great video, very fitting. He’s got a great voice and looks better in eyeliner than I do. Also he hurts real pretty in this. (And that’s all I know about him besides the controversy and that he was on _American Idol_. And I guess he’s in Queen now. I live under a rock ok.) OH also P!nk has a version of this song. It was originally offered to her, but she passed on it, which is why it went to Adam. Planning on a “Trials of the Darksaber” chapter with this song as well.
> 
> ANYWAY. I’ll level with you guys: this is SUPER angsty and angry. Steer clear if you’re not in the mood. There will be references to it in later chapters, but it’s not super important to read. I feel compelled to state that I’m not into whump or making characters hurt for the sake of hurting them. When I see Whumptober come across my dash or posts about how fun it is to torture characters and make them hurt, I a.) feel sad and b.) don’t understand it. I’m not trying to harsh anyone’s buzz or thing they love. You do you, people. Art is art. Just like not everyone wants to read explicit sexual scenes like I write. YKINMK and all that. It’s cool and all good. I’m just pointing this out because I only ever write angst/sad stuff in service to the story, so I didn’t write this just to make everyone suffer. I wrote it because I’ve been interested in exploring Ezra’s (literal) dark side, and this story seemed like a good place to write that in. It also seemed kind of important for a story that covers his and Sabine’s whole relationship. Like, it can’t just be IGNORED, ya know.
> 
> Oh – on a lighter note: you absolutely MUST check out [this Sabezra fanvid](https://hoofgirl.tumblr.com/post/613480264747859968/making-my-own-rebels-sequel-part-one-sabine) from one of the most talented authors I know. She’s half my age and twice my talent, and I adore her. <3
> 
> Enough from me. Let’s get on with the Pain Train.

_There might have been a time  
I would give myself away  
Once upon a time  
I didn’t give a damn  
But now here we are  
So what do you want from me  
What do you want from me_

_Just don’t give up  
I'm workin’ it out  
Please don’t give in  
I won’t let you down  
It messed me up, need a second to breathe  
Just keep coming around  
Hey, what do you want from me  
What do you want from me_

_Yeah, it’s plain to see  
that baby you’re beautiful  
And there’s nothing wrong with you  
It's me, I’m a freak  
but thanks for lovin’ me  
’Cause you’re doing it perfectly_

_There might have been a time  
When I would let you step away_

_I wouldn’t even try but I think  
you could save my life_

_Just don’t give up on me  
I won’t let you down  
No, I won’t let you down_

_~_ _[“Whataya Want from Me?,” Adam Lambert](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X1Fqn9du7xo)_

_-Ezra-_

It called to him, even when he wasn’t thinking about it. He always knew it was there, hidden in his room, its power burning away inside. Just waiting to be released, begging him to listen.

He found, more and more, than he wanted to listen, and he _liked_ to listen.

* * *

Ezra was aware of Zeb’s stare on him as he spooned the morning’s bland mush into his mouth. Kanan wasn’t around as usual – typical nowadays – Hera was in the cockpit, Chopper was recalibrating some systems on the _Ghost_ , and Sabine was getting ready for the day.

“I don’t like it,” Zeb said after a very long stretch of silence. “I’ve finally decided. I hate your hair.”

Ezra scowled over his bowl and kept eating. “Didn’t ask for your opinion, Zeb.”

“It’s too short.”

Ezra scooped up his bowl, spoon, and water cup and stormed over to the sink. He threw all three in, and the cup shattered. Angry with himself, he clenched his fist, and the bowl burst apart, too, in a shower of shards. One sliced across the base of his thumb, and he hissed. Blood swiftly slid down his hand and dripped onto his jacket. His _new_ jacket, which he hadn’t even been wearing a month, and which was likely the only new piece of clothing he’d get for the next five years.

 _“Shavit,”_ he muttered. This day was already not going right.

There were footsteps behind him, and Sabine said, “You all right?”

“What does it look like?” he retorted, pressing his palm to his mouth to stem the flow of blood.

“It looks like you can’t take criticism. Also, you know better than to put bacteria into a wound.”

“Hera reorganized. I don’t know where the towels are.”

Silently, Sabine pulled out a drawer and chose a well-worn towel on the top. She gently took Ezra’s hand away from his mouth and pressed the cloth to the wound. He hissed again at the pressure, then looked over at her. She was focusing on the wound, but he saw her smile.

“Do you remember when you read my palm last year?” she asked. “You wouldn’t read this part.”

He did remember, and he also remembered the swift flicker of an image that had come along after he’d done that.

_Us. Together._

_Lies._

He knew that was what it was. Just a lie put into his own stupid head by an immature boy with limited power and a dumb infatuation.

Ezra snatched his hand back. “I don’t need your help.”

He passed Sabine on his way out of the galley to the medical kit in the common room, brushing by her and not even caring or feeling a thing, when before, just the brush of her body or her touch set his whole body alight. Now, there was nothing. Just deadness.

Them together. What a kriffing joke.

\---

_“You’re angry this morning.”_

“Yes, I am,” Ezra muttered in his cabin, the Sith holocron glowing before him. “Any other brilliant insights?”

_“Why so angry?”_

“Zeb is a pain in the ass. He didn’t need to say that.”

The Presence chuckled at him. _“So easy to make the young Jedi angry!”_

“You know very well why I’m angry,” Ezra said, scowling at the holocron and squeezing hard. He let his hand go, and the pyramid floated where he’d left it, the edges twisting and coming off.

_“She made you angry, too.”_

A spike shot through Ezra’s body. “Sabine? No. She never makes me angry.”

Again, the Presence laughed at him. _“All the power in the universe at your disposal, and yet you still let a little girl make you angry because she broke your heart. Silly boy.”_

“She’s _not_ a little girl,” Ezra returned through clenched teeth. “And she didn’t. How could she?”

_“You saw something once. Between you.”_

The vision floated up in his memory again, both clear and unclear at the same time, and he briefly closed his eyes. Then he shook his head, once, hard, ridding it of the sight. “It was nothing,” he said in a hollow voice. “Just a stupid Force trick.”

_“It doesn’t have to be.”_

That gave Ezra pause. “It doesn’t?”

_“No. This is your moment where you make it come true. You are talented, my boy, and you see things that are to be. This is how you make it so.”_

Ezra’s heart thundered. Was it true? Was the Presence really promising him the love he’d desperately wanted for years? For her to return his affections? They were friends now – good friends – and he was okay with them not being anything more. He’d gotten used to it, and he was happy with it.

But then…then Malachor happened. And she’d started to drift away from him.

 _“It doesn’t_ have _to be this way,”_ the Presence continued, seductive, tempting. Despite himself, knowing this was wrong, Ezra’s fists clenched.

“Tell me how.”

\---

Sabine’s hands on his waist and the hot wind in his hair as the speeder bike zoomed toward Ezra’s chosen location made him feel that maybe things would be all right. But when they got to the depression in the ground, surrounded by Atollon’s coral trees, Sabine immediately hopped off and the warmth of her hands quickly evaporated. It was a sharp reminder of what she _wasn’t_ to him…what he wasn’t to _her_.

“So why are we here?” she asked, pacing around the large area and taking in the scenery. “We could spar on-base if that’s what you wanted to do. Or even on the _Ghost_.”

Ezra killed the power to the bike, and he gave her a shrug as he walked over to join her. “I just thought…we never get any time alone together.”

That sounded absolutely horrible, and he cringed when Sabine’s head snapped toward him and her eyes narrowed.

“Not like that, not like that,” he hastily added, holding his hands up. In a pouch on his belt, the holocron burned.

 _“You know what you want to tell her,”_ the Presence had said. _“Show her.”_

“I just thought,” he tried again, “you might want to see some of the new stuff I’ve been learning.”

Sabine crossed her arms, skeptical. “New stuff?”

“Yeah.” Ezra fidgeted, his hand brushing by the pyramid resting on his hip.

“I already know what you can do. Why bring me out here?”

Ezra turned and held his open hand up to a wide overhang on a ridge across the way from them. “Watch this,” he said, closing his eyes and reaching out to the Force. He accessed that place deep inside himself that seethed and swirled with anger, fear of abandonment, and his self-hated for what had happened to Ahsoka and Kanan. _All I want is to protect my friends. Protect everybody._

The anger radiated outward, strong and powerful. The seven-meter-wide rock shelf exploded, tiny fragments raining down to the ground. Ezra clenched his fist and saw the millions of rocks spin into a cyclone in his mind’s eye, then thrust his fist to the side and heard them impact where he’d thrown them out of the depression and onto the ground. He opened his eyes to see Sabine fall back a step, her mouth open. But…she didn’t look all that impressed. His smile faltered.

“That’s…new,” she conceded.

“Yeah, pretty cool, huh?” Ezra said, putting his hands on his hips, smile growing again.

“I’ve never seen Kanan do something like that.”

Anger flared in Ezra’s mind, and he crossed his arms. “Kanan can’t do _everything_ , you know.”

“Right.” Sabine looked at the remains of the overhang a moment longer, then turned back to Ezra. “If that’s all, can we go? I’ve got some stuff to do for Hera.”

Ezra’s mouth fell open slightly. That was it? After what he’d shown her, that was all he got?

_Typical._

Sabine start to get back up on the bike, but Ezra blocked her path. She looked at him again, calculating.

“Sabine,” he said, and the holocron warmed his side, “I’ve just been thinking…”

 _Do it. You can do this. You_ deserve _this._

The Presence’s words from earlier echoed in his mind.

“Thinking _what_?” Sabine asked suspiciously.

“You could do worse than me,” Ezra blurted. Sabine didn’t reply, the calculating look still in her narrowed eyes.

“Worse than you _how_?”

“Just…” Now he was starting to sweat a little, his collar stifling and warm. He swallowed, feeling uncomfortable, but forged ahead. _You deserve this…_ His fists clenched. “I deserve you. You’ve been cold and distant when you _should_ be giving me a chance.”

The flicker from the Force was half a second too late. Ezra’s guard was always down around Sabine, and this time, it proved to be to his detriment. The blow landed on his cheekbone near his left eye, snapping his head to the side. Holding his palm to his aching face, Ezra looked back at her, his jaw open in shock. Sure, they sparred and swatted and punched each other affectionately, but she’d never…actually… _hit_ him. Not like that. Ezra had never seen her more livid. Her whole body was coiled tight, her presence feral and pulsing with fury.

“Don’t you _ever_ say something like that to me _ever again_ , Ezra Bridger,” she snarled, voice low and dangerous. “Or I will hit you so hard, you’ll be in a coma for weeks.”

Ezra’s eyes widened, and he took a step back from her. She still had her fists clenched, and he wasn’t entirely sure she wouldn’t strike again.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. The holocron burned on his hip. “I’m so sorry.”

“No, you’re not. That’s the worst part. You’ve changed, and I hate who you’ve become.”

Sabine threw her leg over the seat on the bike and switched it on.

In a second, she was gone.

\---

An hour later, when Ezra made it back to base, Zeb greeted him with a gleeful chuckle.

“I see Sabine finally made good on her threats,” he said.

 _“Shut. Up.”_ Ezra pushed by the Lasat and headed for the medkit – again – his eye already starting to swell shut. Zeb listened for once, perhaps knowing that now was _not_ a good time, and let him be. Ezra snatched the kit down from the wall and threw it onto the seat in front of the dejarik table. He popped the latches and rustled around until he found the last ice pack. Kneading it between his hands to pop the bubble inside and start the chemical reaction, he left the common room for the ’fresher to look the injury over in the mirror.

It already didn’t look good, the skin mottled and showing early signs of a nasty bruise. With a sigh, he held the cold pack up to his face. Only half of it had activated, unsurprising given their rare access to medical supplies, even with all the battles they fought and the dangerous situations they put themselves in. Ezra already had a handful of scars that really would’ve benefited from more bacta.

He shook his head. He knew better. On so many levels.

He’d really kriffed up this time.

Ezra pounded his fist on the counter by the sink, just wanting a shower and to go to bed even though it was only midday.

Just like at breakfast, soft footsteps approached him.

“Look, I know what you’re going to say,” Ezra snapped as Sabine appeared behind him in the mirror. “So just…save it. You don’t have to be around me. None of you do.” He took the pack off his face and vigorously shook his, trying to activate the other side. “Piece of shit.”

Wordlessly, Sabine took it from his hand and fiddled with it, finally snapping the remaining bit of the bubble inside. She handed it back.

“I know that’s not you,” she said quietly. “Not that you didn’t deserve the punch.”

Ezra gave a bitter, tight smile to his reflection. “Trust me, I know I deserved it.”

“What happened, Ezra? On Malachor.”

“You know what happened.”

“Yes, but…why are you like this now? What happened wasn’t your fault. Kanan and Ahsoka – ”

Ezra rounded on her. “ _Don’t talk to me_ about Kanan and Ahsoka. You have no idea what it was like being there, being stupid and convincing Kanan to stay because Maul was screwing with me. Just fucking up my mind like it was his personal playground. _You don’t know._ ”

Sabine waited a beat, perhaps seeing if he was going to continue, before she spoke. “You’re right: I don’t know. I can’t imagine.”

“Yeah, you can’t.”

Ezra turned back to the mirror again. He needed to get back to his room. He needed to talk to the Presence and see what the kriff had gone wrong.

The desire was overwhelming.

“I gotta go,” he said, shouldering past her, head ducked down. Because no matter how angry he was, there was still a part of him that felt horrible for what he’d done, a sneaking suspicion that he’d been manipulated yet again. And he couldn’t bear to see the look on Sabine’s face. The irritation, the anger…

The disappointment.

That was the worst. That was what made him feel sick to his stomach.

Or maybe the pity was worse. He didn’t know.

Back in his room, Ezra brought out the holocron and opened it.

“What did you do to me?” he demanded. “You said I could have what I wanted.”

What he didn’t expect to hear was a peal of laughter.

 _“Oh, you stupid, lovestruck boy,”_ the Presence taunted. _“Did you_ really _think that would work?”_

Stunned, Ezra blinked. “But you…you told me it would. You said you were going to help me – ”

 _“_ Did _I? Were those my exact words, child?”_

Ezra thought back. She was right. “Well… _no_ , but – ”

 _“Then the stupidity is your own.”_ The Presence laughed again. _“But see how much power you have now. Your anger has only grown, and so has your power. Only the dark side can give you that.”_

Ezra swallowed. He didn’t like how that sounded. He _knew_ the dark side was wrong.

As if sensing his thoughts and hesitation, the Presence said, _“Oh, sweet boy… Don’t be afraid of it.”_

He crossed his arms and looked away from the glowing red holocron. As he did, his eye caught on a small, flat box on the shelf that hadn’t been there this morning. He leaned past the holocron and reached out for it.

_Enjoy. ~S_

Ezra removed the note from the top and set it down. Guilt hit him strong and sharp. The box contained a beginner’s set of art supplies from Sabine’s favorite brand. Ezra didn’t even want to think about how much work she’d had to put into saving a few credits for it and finding it on one of their supply runs. Inside were three wood-barreled charcoal pencils in dark, medium, and light; a new kneaded eraser; a pencil sharpener; and three oil sticks in primary colors. They sat on ten sheets of good sketching paper. She must’ve left the gift in his room before going out with him on the bike. The first time he’d drawn with her was when they’d painted the TIE fighter last year. They would occasionally draw together after that, too, and he would look on in envy at her nice supplies. She let him borrow it, but…it wasn’t the same. He wanted his own.

It had been a long time since they’d drawn together.

Ezra’s hands squeezed so hard, his thumbs dented the plastboard encasing the little set.

The Presence spoke again from the deadly pyramid next to him. “ _Remember why you need me, and what I can do for you, Ezra.”_

His teeth clenched, and he nodded. Ezra dropped the gift and note in the waste bin under the shelf. The Presence chuckled.

 _“This is the only way you can save your friends,”_ she said.

And he believed her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel bad for Ezra in this one. I mean, I always feel bad for him, but with the way this went, and the way I set it up, idk, I just feel _bad_. I hadn’t planned on doing any more with post-Malachor stuff, but as I edited, Idk, I thought maybe... Lmk if you want to see a continuation of this – and feel free to shoot me ideas. I’m feeling kinda angsty. #ihatecoronavirusandquaranstancing #keepingthissocialbutterflydown #anddepressed #again


	6. Whataya Want from Me? (Ezra), Pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zeb doesn’t keep his mouth shut, and Ezra reacts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my AWESOME, awesome readers for giving me the ideas for this chapter. There’s a little Sabine part at the end, which ties into a part I already wrote for a later chapter. I really appreciate the ideas!! xo
> 
> Sorry I’m so slow in responding to comments. I appreciate and love each and every one of them, and I thank you thank you thank you. I promise I’ll get to them soon. <3
> 
> This is for my dear friend @aluckydenvermint to cheer her up. When you kept reblogging my stuff on tumblr I decided that We Were Going To Be Friends, and now here we are a year later. Love you. <3 <3

_-Ezra-_

Hera turned Ezra’s head this way and that, inspecting the bruise.

“She sure got you good,” she said.

Ezra jerked his chin out of her hand. “Yeah, she did.”

Hera smiled. “Did you deserve it?”

Ezra sighed. “Yes. I did.”

The Twi’lek glanced down the hallway to the common room, where Sabine was visible flipping through her datapad.

“Talk to her,” she murmured.

“I already did,” Ezra snapped.

“I meant _kindly_. And don’t you dare sass me, Ezra Bridger.”

_I wish Kanan were here._

The thought swept into his mind before he could stop it, and for a moment, his anger increased again, but just as quickly dissolved into sadness. He missed his master, more than he was willing to admit.

“I will,” Ezra said. “Thanks, Hera.”

By the time he’d gotten to the common room again, though, Zeb had joined Sabine. The Lasat said something that made her laugh, and Ezra lingered in the hatchway. Sabine looked up.

“Hi,” she said. “That bruise is a lovely color on you.”

Again, anger flared up, and Ezra clenched his fists for a moment before forcing himself to relax. That kind of comment would’ve made him laugh before, and vow to get her back. Now, though…

“Can I talk to you?” he asked. Sabine shrugged and set her datapad down next to her.

“Sure.”

She got up and came toward him. They were just about to leave the room when –

“You better watch yourself, kid,” Zeb said with a smirk. “You’ll wind up with a matching set.”

“Zeb – ” Sabine started, at the same time as Ezra whirled around, his hand out toward their crewmate as he called the Force to him. “Ezra, no!”

Sabine grabbed his wrist and redirected his arm, causing his blast to hit a stack of crated supplies instead. The crates exploded, throwing items everywhere.

“Hey!” Zeb yelled, jumping to his feet and advancing, his voice low and furious. “What the hell was that?! You were gonna _hit me_ , kid?!”

Sabine jumped between them, arms out to keep them apart. “Stop, stop!” she yelled, at which point Hera ran in.

“What in the worlds is going on on my ship?!” she demanded.

“The kid tried to blast me with his wizard powers!” Zeb said.

“You deserved it!” Ezra argued back, leaning forward against Sabine’s hand. His fists were clenched so hard, his nails bit into flesh of his palms.

“Back!” she said. “Get _back_ , Ezra!”

She gave him a shove, propelling him toward the wall. He knocked into it, head hitting hard. The burst of pain blotted out his anger for a moment, and it started to slowly cool.

“Go to your room!” Hera said to him, pointing toward the crew cabins. “Now!”

“I’m not a child, Hera – ”

_“Go.”_

Ezra knew better than to argue. With a final, withering look at Zeb (who gave it right back), Ezra pushed away from the wall and retreated.

“It’s not his fault, Zeb,” he heard Hera say. “He’s just struggling so much right now.”

“No, I’m not!” Ezra yelled back. “I’m perfectly fine! I’m better, actually! Better than ever! You guys are just…just…” He was too worked up to come up with a proper, scathing insult. “You’re _jealous_! In a lot of ways, I’m ahead of you!”

“Zeb, _don’t_ ,” Sabine warned, and Ezra felt the flicker in the Force from the Lasat, ready to come after him again.

“Why can’t I move my stuff into Kanan’s room?” Zeb said. “He’s never there.”

Ezra’s anger burned so bright and hot, his vision momentarily turned red.

“Enough,” Hera said calmly. “Go for a walk, Zeb. Sabine, come with me.”

Ezra got to his room, opened the door, and closed it, making sure to hit the lock. If he didn’t see the crew for the rest of the day, that was perfectly fine with him. He didn’t need them anyway.

\---

As it happened, hunger won out over stubbornness, and Ezra left the _Ghost_ two hours later. The mess was sorely lacking, but it was something, at least. As he was returning to the ship with his meager meal, he caught sight of a new pilot, Grant, chatting with Sabine next to the ladder of his Y-wing. Ezra watched with narrowed eyes as Sabine smiled back at him, said something, and the pilot laughed.

Ezra immediately changed course, his hunger forgotten, and headed toward them.

“Is there a problem here?” he asked when he got up to them. They looked at him in confusion.

“No problem,” Grant said. “Why?”

“Just looked like there might have been.”

“Not at all. Do you need something?”

“Yeah. I need you to get away from my crewmate.”

Grant’s eyes narrowed, but not maliciously. He was still confused. “And…why would I do that…? We’re just talking, Bridger.”

Ezra looked over at Sabine, wide-eyed and mouthing _Go_ at him. His eyes shifted back to Grant’s.

“We’re going,” he said as he turned around. “C’mon, Sabine.”

Grant scoffed. “She can do what she likes, kid. You’re not her boss.”

The derisive name sent Ezra over the edge again, and he spun and was at the pilot’s throat in a second, grabbing him by the collar of his orange flightsuit.

“Ezra!” Sabine exclaimed.

 _“What did you just call me?”_ he growled. Grant looked shocked.

“Geez, calm down, man,” he said. “Didn’t know she was your girl.”

“I’m _not_ ,” Sabine said, grabbing onto Ezra’s arms. “He’s not my type of crazy. Let him _go_ , Ezra.”

Around them, crates started to levitate off the ground, Ezra’s Force powers completely out of control. Knowing it could get very bad, he released Grant and stepped back. The crates clattered to the duracrete, and the pilot looked at him in disgust.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he asked, then looked at Sabine. “No thanks, Wren, if this is what I’m going to have to deal with. Your nutso not-boyfriend or brother or whatever he is. Later.”

Grant hurried away, quickly disappearing deep in the base. Sabine rounded on Ezra, her fists clenched.

“Zeb’s right,” she said. “You’re going to get a matching black eye if you don’t back off. What the hell was that about?”

“I don’t like that guy,” Ezra said. “Who knows what he was up to? I know how guys think.”

“Yeah?” she replied, arching a brow. “And what makes you so different? You’re not thinking with the right brain, either. _Kid._ ”

She strode past him toward the _Ghost_ , and he followed at a wide distance, picking up his neglected food on the way back – even though he’d suddenly lost his appetite.

* * *

_-Sabine-_

The first place Sabine headed to was Ezra’s cabin, tears pricking the backs of her eyes as she walked. When no one answered her knock, she opened the doors and walked straight over to the shelf lining the right side. If Ezra was going to be such an ass, he didn’t deserve her present of art supplies. Her timing had been truly awful. Not only had it taken awhile to save up for them and find them, but she’d hoped that the little gift would cheer him up.

Maybe bring him back from wherever he’d gone.

She didn’t see the box, though. He’d already found them, then, but where had he put them? She sighed and decided to forget it, and she was about to walk out when she saw their overflowing waste bin. She’d promised Hera she’d empty them all, so she might as well get started now. Taking the bin to the compactor in the galley, she upended it –

And the art supplies, plus her note, tumbled out on top.

He had thrown them away.

Hand shaking, Sabine reached out for the items. And for the first time in a long time, she cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So…I forgot to write in Sabine and Ezra making up. I guess there’s another chapter of this coming. :P After that is, I hope, a piece in a few parts (3?) called “You Jealous?” Then “Trial of the Darksaber” missing scenes (2).
> 
> Also, wanted to point out the Anakin quote from Episode II, where he talks to Padmé about being ahead of Obi-Wan, in case you didn't notice it.


	7. Whataya Want from Me? (Ezra), Pt. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ezra and Sabine make up.
> 
> “I never meant for all this to happen,” he added quietly, and when he looked up at her, his eyes glistened. “I’m so messed up right now, Sabine,” he whispered tightly. “I don’t know that I’ll ever find my way back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys again for all the suggestions. Always feel free to make them! I can’t always incorporate all of them, but I love hearing them and trying to! Also, suggestions tend to make the story longer because I get more ideas. 😊 “…And All the Rest” basically doubled in length because of @aluckydenvermint haha. :D (Love you, girl!! ❤)
> 
> Quoting from the same song again by Adam Lambert. Sorry to repeat the lyrics, but I didn’t plan on writing so much more! :D Thank you again for being so involved with this fic. 😊 And thank you, as always, for kudos and follows and reads and all of it. ❤

_Just don’t give up  
I'm workin’ it out  
Please don’t give in  
I won’t let you down  
It messed me up, need a second to breathe  
Just keep coming around  
Hey, what do you want from me  
What do you want from me_

_Yeah, it’s plain to see  
that baby you’re beautiful  
And there’s nothing wrong with you  
It's me, I’m a freak  
but thanks for lovin’ me  
’Cause you’re doing it perfectly_

_There might have been a time  
When I would let you step away_

_I wouldn’t even try but I think  
you could save my life_

_Just don’t give up on me_  
I won’t let you down  
No, I won’t let you down

~[ _“Whataya Want from Me?,” Adam Lambert_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X1Fqn9du7xo)

_-Sabine-_

She was tinkering with a growling Chopper, trying to rewire some of his circuits, when she heard footsteps behind her. A day had gone by since Ezra had lost it on her, and she’d spent pretty much all that time avoiding him as hard as she possibly could.

“Sabine?”

“Not now, Ezra,” she said in a clipped tone, having zero interest in talking to him. Her mind registered his hesitant, soft tone, but her heart wanted _nothing_ to do with him. Preferably for the next month.

“Okay. Um…” Fabric rustled, and she knew he was reaching up to rub the back of his neck. “Just…find me later. If you want. Or never.”

He knew he’d kriffed up. Knew what he’d done and how she felt about it.

His footsteps retreated, and Sabine hung her head and sighed. “Ezra,” she said, not entirely able to keep a bit of a growl out of her voice.

“Yeah?”

His tone was hopeful. That, combined with the softness from earlier and his familiar gesture, made him seem like that lost little boy again, the one who had stolen ration bars on the first day and worked his way into her heart without her even knowing it. Maybe that was why it had hurt so much when he’d changed after Malachor. She cared more than she wanted to admit, and it…it _hurt_. Losing him. He was her friend, the only one she’d had in years, and she _missed_ him.

Chopper growled again, putting in his two credits, but Sabine ignored him and pushed up from the little droid. She turned around to Ezra, who fidgeted with his lightsaber as he waited for her.

“What’s up?” she asked, and her arms crossed without her meaning them to. Ezra’s eyes slid to Chopper, still growling and shaking on his struts in anger.

“Can we go somewhere else?” Ezra asked. Chopper’s snarling increased in volume.

 _Right here is just fine, thank you,_ he said. Sabine rested her hand on his dome.

“Chop, it’s fine,” she said. “It’s just Ezra.”

Chopper responded with a very colorful name for the young Jedi, and Sabine couldn’t help the smile that crossed her face. When she looked back at Ezra, who looked crestfallen at the insult, she cleared her throat and her face.

“Sure, let’s go to my cabin.”

_Don’t you dare try to –_

Sabine put her hand out, silencing the droid. “ _Enough_ , Chopper.”

Ezra sighed and led her to her cabin. “I suppose I deserve that,” he said. Sabine nodded.

“You do.” She pressed the opener and ushered him in. “After you.”

As a general rule when Ezra first joined the crew, Sabine didn’t allow him into her room, and she never went into his. For one thing, she didn’t like people being in her space, and for another, there was the issue of him being a teenage boy with a massive crush on her and controlled almost entirely by hormones. Him being in her room, or her being in his, with a plain view of a bed, would undoubtedly put nothing but _sex_ into his mind, and she was _very_ eager to avoid that at all costs. She absolutely, never ever wanted to even kiss him, much less have sex with him. She was pretty sure she’d caught him thinking about it a handful of times, where he’d stare off into space with his chin in his hand, and once she got his attention again (whether by a kick or snapping in his face), he’d look back at her with the exact expression of someone who’d been caught, and he’d turn bright red.

Later, though, as they’d become friends, she’d allowed him in. He had of course made awkward comments about it, but she’d rolled her eyes and brushed them off. After Malachor, though, she had closed him out again.

This time, Ezra didn’t comment. Even if he was an insufferable ass most of the time now, at least he’d grown up. He was still only seventeen, but Malachor had changed him terribly. While she enjoyed the more grown-up version of him on his good days, she would’ve traded anything in the universe to go back to the days before Malachor. No one should be forced to grow up like that.

Her own thoughts surprised her and made her frown. Ezra was important to her, but when, she wondered, had he become so dear? She’d always been protective of him, sure, but somehow he had stopped being a kid and he was now closer to being a man. His added height, enhanced physique, new clothes, and new haircut had been a huge help, but mostly that made her uncomfortable. She didn’t like seeing him that way. She wanted him to be a kid again, a kid who she could brush off and ignore.

He was much harder to ignore now.

Except on his bad days. And there were a lot of them.

“What is it you wanted to talk about?” Sabine asked, shaking her bangs back and hoping her cheeks didn’t look as warm as they felt. When he was kind like this, back to his old self, it was hard not to feel fond of him. To care.

Ezra didn’t look at her, fidgeting instead with a shelf by the door, rubbing at its surface. “I just wanted to apologize,” he said. “For…all of that. For everything, really. I – ” But he immediately closed his mouth, making Sabine wonder if he was hiding something. Her arms tightened. “I never meant for all this to happen,” he added quietly, and when he looked up at her, his eyes glistened. “I’m so messed up right now, Sabine,” he whispered tightly. “I don’t know that I’ll ever find my way back. You haven’t done anything wrong, and I’ve taken so much out on you. Just…please don’t give up on me. I’m trying to work things out, and I know I’m doing a shit job of it. My life is just not worth anything anymore, and I don’t want to ever let you down – ”

His voice cut off as Sabine rushed to him and grabbed him in a tight hug, her eyes closed and face pressed against his chest. It was an impulse move, and immediately embarrassment and regret spiked inside her, but she stamped down hard on it. Her eyes pricked, and she hurt for him. He stiffened at her embrace – she’d never hugged him before, and rarely touched him.

“Don’t you ever say those things again, Ezra Bridger,” she whispered.

It took him a moment, but he slowly wrapped his arms around her and held her close. Not too close – oddly enough, she was holding _him_ tighter – but he did rest his check on her head. He smelled…good. He felt good.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered back. His breath shook as he inhaled, and pain hit Sabine all over again. “Please don’t hate me. Please don’t give up on me.”

“Never,” she replied, and hugged him all the tighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, friends. This one made me hurt as well. Didn't mean for it to be this hard. :'(


	8. Whataya Want from Me? (Ezra), Pt. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ezra reflects.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for depression and suicidality. Feel free to skip. It’s pretty depressing. These things are triggers for me, too, but a commenter on the previous chapter said they liked that I was dealing with this aspect of Ezra’s change in the Malachor aftermath, and if you’ve been following this or any of my other stories, you’ve seen I’ve been battling it, too. I’m doing better – for now – but writing is good catharsis, so I’m going to attempt to delve into it here. I’m not focusing so much on angst as emotional pain and what I think Ezra would be going through after Malachor – besides the dark side stuff and self-hatred. I wrote another piece about PTSD earlier, which is [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21955801/chapters/53111713). Thank you guys, again and again and again, for caring so much about me and my stories. I hope you know that you are all very real to me, not just anonymous people behind a computer, and your words and your enjoyment of my work mean the whole world to me. I’ve wanted to be an author my whole life and have written for decades, so the fact that there are REAL people out there enjoying my work, well…that is some kind of special. ❤ 
> 
> I haven't had a chance to respond to comments yet, and I'm short on time today or else I would. I figured you'd rather have a new chapter and wait a day or two for comments than the other way around. 🙂 Love you all!! ❤

_-Ezra-_

That evening, Ezra sat on his bunk, back against the wall and arms hugging his knees close to his chest. He stared at nothing in particular, his mind on the conversation with Sabine in her cabin.

_Don’t you ever say those things again, Ezra Bridger._

But he did think _those things_. He did wonder if the crew would be better off without him, if all he was doing was making their lives worse. Shavit, even his own parents had dumped him. Everyone did, in the end.

Ezra turned his cheek onto his knees, discarding that thought. He knew it wasn’t true. He knew they would have done anything to get back to him, and that they had fought to return to him. It was just…sometimes he was bitter about it. Why had his parents focused so much on freeing the other prisoners when they all broke out? Didn’t people say mothers would do _anything_ for their children? Why were the other prisoners so much more important than him?

 _Maybe they knew somehow. That I was different and weird. Maybe they didn’t really_ want _to come back to me._

Ezra sighed and tilted his forehead onto his knees, shaking his head as the painful pricks started up at the back of his eyes. He sniffed hard, forcing the tears back, but the pain inside him refused to relent. It was bad enough that he blamed himself – and hated himself fiercely – for what had happened to Ahsoka. She had died because of his poor choices, because of his stupidity for trusting Maul. What an _idiot_ he was. This time, now that he had the Presence, he was going to walk the _right_ path. He was going to make the right choices and protect his friends, and no one would ever, ever get hurt again on his watch.

Then there was the matter of Kanan. His master, who he loved deeply, was blind because of him. He’d lost his sight. He’d retreated from the crew, distanced himself from even the woman he loved.

Dumped Ezra.

Again.

_Abandoned. Again._

_People don’t come back for me._

It was a cruel galaxy, and he’d always known that, but somehow, on the streets of Lothal, it hadn’t seemed that bad. Sure, his parents had been taken by Imperials, but for a long time, he’d harbored hope that they would come back. They were his parents, after all, brave and strong. As time had gone on, and Tseebo had never materialized to take care of him, he realized they weren’t ever coming back. He had mourned their loss…but a teeny, tiny part of him still believed and held out hope that they were out there somewhere, just waiting for him to rescue them. He very much planned on it, but week after week, month after month, and year after year passed, and the reality of the universe had settled down upon his small shoulders. He knew that rescuing them all by himself would never happen. He would need help. Help he knew would never come.

But then…Kanan had happened. Kanan had saved him. The crew had taken him in without question. They didn’t care about his past, didn’t care about any of the shady things he’d done or people he’d tricked or how hardened he’d become. All they’d wanted was to help him.

To love him.

In all that time, both when he was on the streets and with the _Ghost_ crew, he had never felt depressed. Well, not for any long amount of time, at least. He’d kept his spirits up, focused on the present, on getting through one day at a time. After Malachor, though, he’d totally fallen apart. He’d lashed out at everyone he cared about and loved. He didn’t want to, but he couldn’t stop it, any more than he could stop the thoughts in his head that told him he’d be better off gone from the crew after all the trouble he’d caused. What good was an angry, depressed Jedi anyway?

Exhausted, Ezra curled up under his sheets, tucking his head down and burying himself. He squeezed his eyes shut, breathing deep to force the tears back again, and let the breath out. He had tried to meditate to cope, but his mind was all over the place and wouldn’t settle down. He _hurt_ , literally _hurt_ , from the way he was feeling. There were no wounds on him externally, but he wondered if there were some things inside a person that could go so deep, they would never mend. That took hold and never let go. Getting away from his situation was impossible, and he’d be stuck with his lousy self anyway even if he could. Ezra was stuck, between hate and sadness, where every moment was too hard to get through, too long, and it hurt to breathe. Where there was constant pressure on his chest, either from anger or sadness, and he didn’t know which one, in the end, would consume him.

He choked on a sob he didn’t mean to let through his defenses, and he curled up tighter. It felt like this day would never end. But it didn’t matter, because when it did, there would only be the next one, and the next. There would be nothing different about it. Nothing would change. And on and on it would go.

The door slid open, and Ezra clamped his mouth together.

“Just me, kid,” Zeb said. “You all right?”

“I’m fine, Zeb,” Ezra replied, but his voice shook, and it cracked. “Just go away.”

“All right. Just…wanted you to know I’m here for you. We all are. ’Long as you don’t try to hit me again.”

Ezra smiled, just a little. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, I know you are. You want dinner?”

Ezra shook his head. “No. I’m not hungry.”

“You haven’t been eating much. Or sleeping. You’ve gotta eat, kid.”

“I said I’m not hungry.”

“Okay. I’ll put a plate in the cooler for you if you are later.”

The Lasat left the cabin, and Ezra closed his eyes, willing sleep to take him and obliterate his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That section on Ezra’s parents not escaping is because that whole thing is a personal pet peeve of mine. A mother’s mind literally changes during pregnancy, and any mother in her right mind would fight tooth and nail and climb over the people in front of her, prisoners or no, to get back to her child. Shit, she’d even leave her husband behind. _That’s how how it works._ And the fact that she and Lyra Erso DON’T is forever a sticking point for me – especially since things are done this way MERELY to get those two women out of the plot. 😡
> 
> P.S.: Hope you guys caught the LOTR line, sad as it is. I relate very much to it.
> 
> P.P.S.: Near the end of the angst, as far as I can predict. Next up is the "You Jealous?" segment with, yes, jealous!Sabine, then some "Trials of the Darksaber" stuff (inherently angsty), and then "Comfort," a piece about them on the _Ghost_ after the fall of Chopper Base. Then, well, I'm not really sure where I'm going with it. Just getting them together, really. And not planning on angst there! I will try very hard to keep it happy and light!


	9. You Jealous? Pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An old flame comes back into Ezra’s life. Sabine’s not quite sure what to make of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lighter stuff ahoy! Set before “Trials of the Darksaber.”

_-Sabine-_

When it happened, it was completely unexpected. But then, Sabine reflected, there was no way she could _ever_ have expected this.

They were in an Intelligence briefing led by Captain Cassian Andor, a brooding, sullen, albeit absolutely gorgeous mystery of a man from Fest. He was ruthlessly efficient in the field, and his briefings were the same. Rumor had it that he was General Draven’s number one, but no one dare approached him to ask. He had quite the reputation.

Sabine, though, had had a handful of conversations with him, and he’d always been quite nice, and sardonically charming in his own way.

Plus he was gorgeous. In case anyone forgot.

She was listening, she really was, and Andor wasn’t really her type, much as she appreciated emotionally unavailable people. But Cassian Andor was such a stark contrast to other men in the Rebellion, who were unkempt and uncultured and half the time couldn’t string two words together around her.

And then there was Ezra. Currently doodling pictures of his favorite subject – himself – with a massively large lightsaber taking stormtroopers down. Sabine raised an eyebrow and leaned over to him.

“Compensating?” she whispered.

“Not in the slightest,” he answered coolly, and extended the line of the lightsaber even taller. “In fact, I’m downplaying.” Then he went back to completely ignoring her – and ignoring Andor, apparently.

Sabine’s jaw dropped, and she blinked at him. He wasn’t… _serious_ , was he? Without meaning to, her eyes darted down, to his pants, and she immediately flamed bright red and felt abject horror at what her traitorous body had just done. She’d _never_ thought of him like that. _Like that._ _Ever._

And that was when it happened: she realized that Ezra Bridger had truly grown up, gone from a boy she could make blush to an almost-man who could take her comments in stride. And it made _her_ blush, to hear his deeper voice throw a sexual innuendo right back at her, when she had meant it to be a cutting remark about his masculinity.

This would not do, she realized as she shifted uncomfortably in her seat, wishing Ezra hadn’t just breathed on her arm and why was he so damn close, anyway? She had to get him back, make _him_ blush more.

“Shove over,” she hissed, elbowing him. “You’re crowding me.”

“Is there a problem, Lieutenant Commander Bridger?” Andor asked irritably from the front of the room.

“Other than the fact that you dismiss animals as being less useful in ops than you think they are, no, sir,” Ezra replied without looking up.

So he _was_ paying attention. Andor’s eyes narrowed.

“Thank you for the commentary,” he said. “I’m sure your crew finds you very enlightening. If we could move on…”

Sabine glared at Ezra and scooted her chair away from him before looking back at the front of the room. Nice conversations aside, she didn’t want to be on Andor’s bad side. He’d always been impressed with the _Ghost_ crew, and she didn’t want that to go away just because Ezra was being a…

A _boy_.

He was back to being a child again.

…or was he?

Actually, when Sabine thought back on it, he hadn’t been rude or disrespectful or a smartass to Andor. He had firmly but respectfully stated his position.

This was not good.

“I’m going to let Lieutenant Derry speak more on that now,” Andor said, and stepped aside. A blonde woman sitting in the front row stood and joined Andor, then turned around.

“Who the hell is she?” Sabine muttered.

“No cl – ”

Ezra cut himself off, and Sabine saw his jaw drop in her peripheral vision. She rolled her eyes.

“Okay, she’s not _that_ hot,” she said. “Like six out of ten. Plus one point for the nice rack and ass.”

“No, she’s…I _know_ her.”

* * *

“Bridger, a moment?”

Sabine and Ezra turned to face Captain Andor outside the briefing room. He still looked irritated.

“When I am leading a briefing,” he said, “you don’t speak like that to me. Got it?”

Ezra shrugged, unaffected. “Your facts weren’t entirely right.”

Andor took a step closer to him. “My facts are _always_ right, Bridger. You’ll forgive me if ‘animals as assets’ is not a section I spent a lot of time on in the Intelligence handbook.”

“You guys have a handbook?” Sabine asked despite herself. Andor tossed her a tired glance.

“Of course we have a handbook.” Back to Ezra: “I am, of course, always interested in hearing alternative points of view and other strategies. But unless a person has Jedi powers that allow them to connect to and manipulate animals, it is a strategy that does not bear mentioning.”

“I have that,” Ezra said. Andor took a deep breath, on the verge of losing his patience.

“That is exactly my point.”

Without another word, he turned and walked away, stalking back down the hallway.

“He’s a lovely fellow,” Ezra said.

“I think he’s nice,” Sabine blurted. Ezra arched a brow at her.

“Yeah, if you go for that sort of thing.”

Sabine put her hands on her hips and stared him down. “How would _you_ know what I ‘go for’ or _don’t_ ‘go for’?”

Ezra scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Trust me,” he said, “I know _exactly_ what you don’t go for.”

She was about to punch him when the newcomer from the meeting walked up, a huge smile on her face.

“Ezra? Seriously?” she said.

“Shae?” he asked. “How did you get off – ”

But she had grabbed him in a hug so aggressive, Sabine had to jump back out of the way.

“I can’t believe it!” she said. “You’re here!”

“I didn’t know you had fans,” Sabine commented. Shae pulled back and looked between her and Ezra for a moment, her face falling.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you two – ”

“We’re not,” Ezra hastily broke in, which made Sabine cock her head and frown. He’d never jumped at the opportunity to disabuse someone of the notion that he and Sabine were together. Usually he just ate it up and gloated like a loth-cat with a bird in its mouth and feathers falling to the ground at its feet.

“You’ve got to catch me up,” Shae said.

“Yeah, absolutely. Sabine, let Hera know I’ll be gone for a bit.”

“Uh, okay,” Sabine replied, wondering what the hell was going on here. Before she could get out a quip about not being his personal assistant, he and Shae had started walking down the hallway again.

What in the worlds had just happened?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve got a vague idea of where this is going. LMK if there’s anything else you’d like to see! I love you guys!! ❤❤❤


	10. You Jealous? Pt. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone for the outpouring of support lately, and also in the past. I got so many comments on the update to "Sabezra Ficlets," and I was truly grateful. Thank you for following all my stories, kudosing, commenting, and caring. 💕

_-Ezra-_

They walked in silence for a couple minutes until they were out of earshot and view of everyone on the base.

“So it’s good to see you ag – ” Ezra started, but Shae pushed him against the wall and planted a huge kiss on him. Dazed, his eyes widened.

“Been wanting to do that again for years,” she murmured, still close to him. “If I’d known I’d gotten a future Jedi, I never would have left.”

Ezra chuckled awkwardly, his lips tingling. “Yeah, well, it came as a surprise to me, too.” Shae leaned back, and he reached up to rub the back of his neck. “So…how did you get here?”

“Jumped ship a couple years ago,” she said. “Snuck onto a transport leaving Capital City, and out I went. I was in contact with a rebel cell.”

“My cell,” Ezra realized. “I mean, I hadn’t joined yet, probably.”

“No, you were still fourteen.” Shae smiled and flicked his nose. “Just a baby.”

Ezra rolled his eyes. “You’re only one year older than me.”

Shae put her hands on her hips and looked him up and down. “Suppose I’m being rather forward. You seeing anyone?”

“Well, no, but… I mean, I don’t get out much…”

She smiled and shook her head. “You haven’t changed a bit. Still awkward and sweet.”

Ezra returned the smile and looked away as he blushed. “Yeah, I guess some things never change.”

Shae tilted her head further down the hall. “Let’s grab a bite to eat and catch up. Where are your quarters here?”

“On my ship,” Ezra answered as he followed her to the mess. “We’re gone most of the time. You?”

“I’m based here with Intelligence. Analysis, data-crunching, that sort of thing.”

“You were always good at getting the best prices on the black market.”

Shae rolled her eyes. “Ha. I paid attention. Didn’t hurt that I was a lost little girl with blue eyes and blond hair.”

“No, it certainly didn’t.” They stopped outside the mess, and for a moment, Ezra just took her in: the blond waves, smooth skin, and pale blue eyes that had been his only companion for six cold months on Lothal one winter. “Always got more when we worked together, though.”

“Yeah, and you always got punched for being a smartass. Let’s go in. I’m starving.”

* * *

_-Sabine-_

Wedge was staring up at the underside of his X-wing fighter, splayed hands on his hips and a frown on his face, when Sabine found him in the hangar.

“You look unhappy,” she said when she walked up.

“I am,” Wedge replied, his frown deepening. He pointed to something she couldn’t see. “There’s a _leak_.”

“Oh, no,” Sabine said, echoing his seriousness. “That sounds… _life-threatening_.”

Wedge’s face smoothed out and he looked over at her with a smile. “Sorry, you know how seriously I take these things.”

Sabine smiled back. “I do.”

“How you been?” Wedge’s eyes returned to the fighter, and he walked out from the underside to start circling it.

“Good. We just got out of an Intelligence briefing half an hour ago.”

“Same stuff?”

Sabine shrugged. “Nothing terribly new, but we’ve been gone awhile so Hera made us go.”

“Andor leading?”

“Yeah.”

“That guy’s good.”

“He is.” Sabine paused, wondering how to broach what it was she really wanted to ask. “So,” she started, leaning her hip casually against one of the ship’s struts and loosely crossing her arms, “who’s this Lieutenant Derry?”

Wedge’s face brightened. “Oh, her.” He scratched some carbon scoring off the gray hull with a thumbnail. “She’s new, been with the Rebellion a couple years but didn’t make it here till recently. She made contact through her local cell, bounced around the galaxy for a bit. Wound up here after being in a few other Rebellion-sanctioned places.”

“Our cell, I guess,” Sabine said. “She used to know Ezra.”

Wedge snorted, and then smiled. “Makes sense.”

Sabine frowned. “What makes sense?”

Wedge pulled his hand away from the fighter and rubbed his fingers together to brush the scoring off his skin. “It’s just typical. She seems like the kind of person who would know Bridger.”

“Why?” Sabine demanded, her whole body tensing. “Is she irritating and full of herself and gets in her own way half the time?”

That made Wedge laugh, and he looked over at her. “Yes, actually. Plus she just has that country look that reminds me of Lothal.”

Sabine rolled her eyes and flipped her hair out of her face. “Right, because you’ve met so many Lothalians.”

“They’re nicer than Corellians.”

“A _lot_ of people are nicer than Corellians.”

Wedge shook his head and ducked under the ship to cross back to Sabine, by the far strut. “She’s nothing to worry about, Sabine. She’s not going to give you guys bad intel. She’s good at what she does. Smart. Very smart.”

“And pretty,” Sabine muttered, relieved that Wedge hadn’t come to some sort of other conclusion about why she was asking about Derry. Wedge shrugged.

“Well, yeah. Janson thinks he’s got a chance with her.”

“Janson’s an idiot.”

“He is that.” Wedge checked his chrono. “Want to grab a bite to eat? I’m starved.”

“Ah, yes, the pilots’ stomach,” Sabine quipped as he fell into step beside her. “An essential system to fuel.”

“Cheaper than an X-wing.”

“True.”

They chatted about recent missions as they walked toward the mess. Sabine’s irritation had just started to lift when they arrived, and she saw Derry and Ezra sitting together by themselves at the far end of the room. Her nose wrinkled.

“We’ve got to ship out soon,” Sabine said. “He better not be late.”

“Who?” Wedge asked, reaching for a ration bar from a pile on the table that served as their meal line. He examined it. “Aww, I hate this flavor.”

“Stop bitching,” Sabine said distractedly, watching the pair interact. They looked happy to see each other, two friends who hadn’t seen each other in a long time reunited and getting caught up on one another’s lives. Shae reached out to touch Ezra’s scars with a finger, and he leaned back, his own fingers rubbing over it. He shook his head, leaving his fingers to cover them, and Shae’s face fell. Sabine's eyes narrowed yet again.

 _She_ would never do that. _She_ knew he was self-conscious about them, that they made him feel ugly even though he wasn't in the slightest.

Wedge nudged Sabine, and she turned back to him. “You okay?” he asked. “You’re not acting like yourself.”

Sabine shook herself and returned her attention to the meager, bland offerings the Rebellion had coughed up from their eternally low supplies.

“I'm fine,” Sabine answered, and didn’t elaborate. They took their food over to a table along the wall, climbing over the benches and settling down to eat. She had, once again, forgotten about Ezra’s old friend when he appeared right beside her, startling her.

“Hey,” he said. “I thought you were heading back to the ship.”

Sabine swiveled toward him. “I changed my mind.”

“Did you talk to Hera?”

Sabine shrugged. “No. I’m not your personal assistant.” She caught the tail end of Wedge and Derry exchanging a look, and her eyes narrowed. “What are you two up to?”

“Nothing,” Ezra said. “Just catching up. It’s been awhile.”

“You know, you haven’t completed your chores on the ship.”

“You have _chores_?” Derry asked, arching a brow. Ezra colored.

“More like _duties_ ,” he said tightly, but he directed his answer at Sabine. “Can you cover for me? I need a night off.”

Sabine snorted, and Wedge shook his head with a smile, stirring the bowl of nutrient gel in front of him.

“We don’t _get_ nights off,” Sabine said.

“Bridger, last time I took a night off, I was in a school play back home and my sister told everyone who my crush was and made me cry,” Wedge added. Derry chuckled, while Ezra scowled.

“C’mon, Sabine,” he said. “I’ll owe you one.”

“Well, in that case….”

Ezra grinned. “Thank you!”

“…absolutely not.”

“You play a tough game, Sabine,” Derry said with a smile, putting her hands on her hips.

“You can call me by my clan name, thanks,” Sabine answered without looking at the other woman. No one else spoke, and she let the awkwardness linger until Ezra growled and walked away, Derry following him. Sabine forced herself not to watch them leave.

“Okay,” Wedge said, “you want to tell me what _that_ was all about?”

Sabine stood from the bench and grabbed her tray. “Not particularly.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I goofed in "Surveillance, Pt. 2," where Ezra says, "I've never kissed a girl." I wrote that forgetting about this arc. It's since been changed to, "I've only kissed one girl." Tbh, I like it the other way better, but this arc was already planned. 🤷


	11. You Jealous? Pt. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ezra confronts Sabine about her unusual behavior.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/13/20: Thank you for the reads, kudos, comments, and subscriptions! I'm working on finishing up responding to comments. :) If you haven't gotten one yet, you will! I promise!

_-Sabine-_

“Has anyone seen Ezra?” Hera asked later that night when they were all sitting around the dejarik table relaxing a bit before bed. “I haven’t seen him in hours.”

Sabine’s brows rose. “You mean he hasn’t come back to the ship yet?”

The Twi’lek looked at her out of the corners of her eyes. “No… I assumed he was with you at some point.”

Blood boiling, Sabine stood from her seat. “He was not. He’s got a girlfriend.”

Zeb spewed his tea all over Chopper. “HA!”

“Maybe that’s the wrong word.”

Kanan and Hera both crossed their arms. “What is going on?” Hera asked over Zeb’s gales of laugher and Chopper’s electronic mirth (despite being showered with tea).

“It’s this new Intelligence girl,” Sabine explained. “Used to know Ezra back on Lothal. I guess we got her out at some point. Shae Derry.”

“I remember the name. Ezra’s never mentioned her.”

“Ezra never mentions _anyone_.”

Hera’s eyes cut over to Zeb, banging on Chopper’s dome as he continued to howl. “Get him back here,” she said. “This isn’t playtime. We’ve got a mission tomorrow, and I don’t want him…distracted.”

“I’ll go find him,” Sabine muttered, ignoring the implications. Zeb’s laughter followed her all the way down the ramp.

\---

When she located Derry’s quarters, Sabine raised her fist and pounded on the door. “Hey, Derry,” she yelled through the door, not really caring if she was making a scene. “Let our Jedi out. We need him for a very important mission. Life or death, extremely critical, no time to waste.”

The lieutenant threw open the door with a glare. Against Sabine’s will, she looked her up and down, noting the mussed hair and swollen lips. “Excuse me?” Derry said. Behind her on the bunk, Ezra hurriedly sat up, yanked his shirt down from where it had hitched up on his stomach, shrugged on his coat, and fastened it.

Sabine crossed her arms. “I’m sorry, was I not clear? I can be a lot clearer.”

“I’ve checked your schedule, and you’re not due to ship out till – ”

“Shae, it’s fine,” Ezra said as he walked up behind her. Sabine met his eyes with her own, and he narrowed his. “I’ll see you later.” He clasped her hand and kissed her cheek, and Sabine wrinkled her nose in disgust. She didn’t even bother saying goodbye to the lieutenant as she and Ezra left. For a moment, she gloated to herself…until the image of him on Derry’s bunk wouldn’t leave her mind.

“So, you two have gotten rather _cozy_ rather _quickly_ ,” she said. In her periphery, Ezra shrugged. It wasn’t like him to not answer and overshare every detail, so she prodded, “Hera isn’t happy that you were gone all evening, _distracting_ yourself with… _that_. Whatever it is you’re doing, which…thanks, I don’t need to know.”

Suddenly, Ezra grabbed Sabine’s hand and yanked her into a dim, crumbling hallway. Dusty light filtered in from a broken window high up on the wall, and a tall heap of rubble sat in a corner. Ezra placed one hand on the stone wall and leaned into her.

“You jealous, Sabine?” he asked in a low voice, causing her to glower at him. She didn’t like how imposing he was right now, how his confidence and presence were directed at her in this way.

“No,” she answered. “What you do with your free time with your… _assets_ …has nothing to do with me.”

“I thought it wasn’t free time. That Hera was mad I wasn’t there.”

Caught, Sabine felt her cheeks burn. “It wasn’t. That’s why I’m mad.”

Irritatingly, Ezra gave her a smile and pulled his hand away from the wall to cross his arms. “Oh, you’re mad, huh?”

Both Sabine’s blush and glare deepened. “You’re being irresponsible.”

Ezra barked a laugh and reached up to run his hand through his hair. Sabine watched him, noticing how the jacket stretched tight across his chest and thinking about it being off in Derry’s quarters, and that sliver of his taut stomach she’d seen before he pulled his rumpled shirt down.

“Irresponsible,” Ezra repeated. “Really. You’re something else.”

Furious, Sabine’s fists balled and her teeth ground together. “ _I’m_ something else? At least I’m doing my duty, not getting handsy with some Intelligence lieutenant and fooling around!”

“Okay, first off,” Ezra started, looking _way_ too kriffing amused for this conversation, “I wasn’t even on duty. Second, ‘duty’ has a pretty lax definition around here, if you hadn’t noticed. Third, my pants were on.”

“They could’ve been on, but not zipped.”

“Were you looking?”

“Of course I wasn’t looking,” Sabine replied acidly.

“Really?”

Just for that, Sabine socked him in the shoulder.

 _“Ow!”_ he cried, gripping the injury. “What was that for?”

“Mentioning your pants!” Sabine said. “You’re being a brat!”

A victorious grin spread across Ezra’s face, and he poked her in the chest. “You _are_ jealous. You are!”

Sabine decided to try a different tack, forcing herself to play it down and roll her eyes. “Look, it’s been awhile since I’ve gotten any attention, if you know what I mean, and I get lonely, too.”

“I don’t think that’s it. **You can lie to yourself, but don’t lie to me.** It _bothers_ you.”

Defeated, Sabine shook her head and avoided eye contact. **“It doesn’t matter. You’ve moved on, and I have to be okay with that.”**

Immediately, Ezra dropped the teasing, and regret suffused Sabine’s entire body. She looked anywhere but at him, and she focused on trying to breathe through a tight chest.

“What?” he finally said, his voice quiet.

For a moment, Sabine’s brain whirled with how to play this. That had slipped out, and now she couldn’t take it back. Either way, this was _not_ a conversation she wanted to be having with him, right here, right now, in this hallway on base, when it was late at night and she was tired.

Except part of her was keyed up, adrenaline pumping through her tense body. She licked her lips, still trying to come up with an answer. Suddenly, unbidden, an image rose up in her mind of him swooping down to kiss her hard, pushing her back against the wall. Urging her legs up around his waist. Breathless gasps mingling together. She wanted to kiss him and claim him, to tell him his scars weren’t ugly, that they only made him more beautiful in her eyes.

Slowly, it seemed, Sabine came back to her senses, the fantasy dissolving around her and her face warming further. Ezra was still staring at her, and how had she _never_ noticed before what a brilliant blue his eyes were? So intense and clear as the most priceless gem. As if he, too, were priceless…to her…

“I’ve never moved on,” Ezra said quietly, and that was too much. Without another word, Sabine turned, ducked under his arm, and walked away, headed back toward the _Ghost_ and wondering why this did, indeed, bother her so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All right, my dudes. I know a lot more can be done with this, because I think Sabine could get pretty out of whack when feeling jealousy, because it’s an emotion she’s not used to – especially given that she’s jealous over _Ezra._ Like, how _horrible._ I was initially going to end this arc with this chapter, but after talking it out with my friend [Callioope](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Callioope/pseuds/Callioope), I realized there were some Big Things I just couldn’t leave hanging. Like…they would HAVE to have a conversation about this. Ezra is not going to let it go. He’s going to WANT to talk about it. So…yeah. I’ve been working on that, but my head’s just not in it now for some reason – feeling kinda blocked – and then the news about “The Bad Batch” came out and I’m all pissed off. So, it’s been hard to work on it. Any thoughts/ideas/insights/headcanons/whatever would be welcome. 
> 
> Bolded lines from [this](http://captainandors.tumblr.com/post/183252587118/drabble-list) post on tumblr.
> 
> Also! I FINALLY made my first gifset! It’s [here](https://lothcatlovesysalamiri.tumblr.com/post/623568516697784321/lothcatlovesysalamiri-you-say-that-its-hard-to). I'm really proud of how it turned out! I love, love, love that song. It's one of my fave Sabezra songs. Hoping to make more. They’ve been in my head a long time and I’m just now getting around to making them!!


	12. You Jealous? Pt. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ezra goes back to Shae, but really, all he can think about is Sabine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eh, I’m gonna have to tag Ezra/OFC in the tags given this chapter, despite saying I wouldn’t before. I hadn’t intended on writing this chapter, but then I realized I left, like, a lot unsaid… This arc might end up being a lot bigger than I initially planned/expected (my bad there).
> 
> As always, thanks for reading. ❤️😘

_-Ezra-_

After Sabine left the hallway, Ezra ran a quick hand back through his hair and leaned his head against the wall, blowing out a breath.

_It doesn’t matter. You’ve moved on, and I have to be okay with that._

He’d been messing with her up till that point, thinking she was just uncomfortable witnessing him being physical with someone, or, really, witnessing affection at all.

But she was _actually_ jealous. Jealous of _Shae_. Which meant…

She had feelings for _him_.

That thought did things to Ezra he didn’t think possible. He felt light, happy, warm, relieved, grateful…

Shae was beautiful, no doubt about that, but she didn’t compare to Sabine even remotely. However, by this point in time, Ezra had completely given up hope of Sabine ever noticing him as a romantic prospect. He’d resigned himself to being her best friend, her sparring partner, her occasional punching bag when Chopper or Zeb weren’t around. And that was okay. He really liked having Sabine as a friend, and he really enjoyed being around her, despite a personality that didn’t make her easy to get along with. She listened to him talk endlessly, about the same thing over and over sometimes, while she did her own thing (athough sometimes she would draw on him if he went on too long, and only until it was too late and she’d made a massive canvas out of him would he notice). Maybe she tuned him out, but she never told him to leave or go away (at least, not anymore). She laughed at his jokes, she patched him up with a roll of her eyes when he got hurt. When something was important to him, even if it was silly, she never made fun of him or laughed. She would even occasionally defend him to someone – sometimes even to Zeb. From the time he met her in that gun turret, Ezra had spent literally hours fantasizing about her, from the simplest of things (her giving his arm a squeeze after a mission, along with a smile she only seemed to save just for him, and telling him she was impressed by him), to thoughts he would never admit out loud that made him feel guilty the next time he saw her.

Sabine was prickly, irritable, and prone to hitting him. Half the time she looked like she might bite his head off and swallow him whole if he so much as tried to give her a hug. But she was perfect and he wouldn’t have her any other way.

Ezra was supposed to head back to the _Ghost_ with her, but he couldn’t make himself go, not after that conversation. He had too much nervous energy to work off, and he found himself at Shae’s door again. Before he could stop himself, he knocked, and a moment later, she opened it. She smiled to see him again and turned back into the room to sit on her bunk while he lingered in the doorway. Shae was the first and only girl he’d ever kissed, and he’d certainly spent his share of time dreaming about her. When she’d left, he was devastated, same as he was when Mo left (because everybody left him in the end, right? That was always how it worked.). Having her back was wonderful; she was a link to his past (not that he necessarily cared to remember it), and they could talk about Lothal. Talk about _home_. There were things she understood that the _Ghost_ crew didn’t, because they shared the same homeplanet and even hometown. They’d spent so much time talking in the single day that they’d been reunited. Shae linked him back to an easier time. Maybe not happier, but…simpler.

“Everything all right?” she asked, arms posted up straight on the bed on either side of her.

“Yeah, it’s fine,” Ezra said, though it didn’t _feel_ fine.

_You’ve moved on, and I have to be okay with that._

“Ez…is there something I’m stepping into here between you and your crewmate?”

He shook his head, though something flashed inside him at the thought of him and Sabine together. Embarrassment. Desire. And hearing his old nickname from Shae’s lips felt…weird.

“No, not at all,” he answered.

“But you guys have a past.”

Ezra shrugged. “Sure we do. We’ve been crewmates for three years.”

“Not that kind of past.”

He caught her meaning. “Oh.”

Shae’s gaze was all too knowing for Ezra’s liking, except the thing was, there was nothing to know. “But you guys did have something at some point?” she pressed. “Slept together?”

Ezra felt his cheeks burst into flames. “What? No, nothing like that. I haven’t been with anyone.”

Shae’s brows briefly jumped at his admission of being a virgin – which he rarely dwelled on and didn’t think of as a problem, so why was she so shocked? He was only seventeen. He was also well aware people in the Rebellion had flings like they had extra gas cartridges for their blasters. In fact – and unfortunately – he’d stumbled into more than his fair share of them, both on base and back on Lothal in dark alleys he should’ve been avoiding, but had wound up in out of desperation for one thing or another. People in the Rebellion didn’t tend to be all that discreet – when you might die tomorrow, who cared? And with the way he’d grown up as a street kid, he’d found himself in seedier areas more often than he cared to remember. So he was no innocent summer child, unaware of how things worked. But, Force, like he had the _time_ for that, or like he wanted it with anyone besides –

 _“Really,”_ Shae replied.

Ezra frowned. “So?” She shrugged.

“I’m just surprised.”

“Surprised? Why?”

“You know…” She gestured vaguely at him. “The whole Jedi thing.”

Ezra honestly had no idea why that would make him any more desirable than the next guy, a guy maybe taller, more muscular, better looking, less prone to say dumb, awkward stuff or put his foot in his mouth. At any rate, he did occasionally wish he were someone else, regardless of his Jedi powers and whatever Shae thought about them boosting his desirability.

Besides: it wasn’t like he’d gotten offers. He wasn’t exactly in one place long enough to even notice girls, much less interact with them or anything further. The crew was rarely even on base.

Ezra walked further into the room, simultaneously wanting to allay Shae's fears and linger on the thought of him and Sabine…like that… “It’s nothing like that,” he repeated, taking Shae into his arms as she stood from the bunk. She draped her arms over his shoulders.

“You just have this… _vibe_ between you,” she said.

Stars, was _she_ jealous, too? Where was all this coming from?

“Vibe?” Ezra repeated, reaching up to rub her arm. “We don’t have a vibe. She’s my best friend. I don’t think of her like that. I never have. That would be…” It would be what? Everything he’d ever wanted? “Weird,” he lied. “I mean, sure, she’s super competent and capable, great to have on your team and at your back, smart and talented…” Shae cocked her head, as if wondering where he was going with this. “But just a friend,” he hurriedly added. “A really good friend.”

Shae regarded him, as if trying to gauge his sincerity. Ezra just stared back at her, really, _really_ unsure as to how to handle this. He wouldn’t qualify what he and Shae had back on Lothal as a _relationship_ , but this, now, was supposed to be one. That he knew. He also knew he completely lacked any and all experience with women and tended to put his foot in his mouth more often than not. Her reaction to his earlier admission told him she had _way_ more experience than he did, and he felt out of his element.

With Sabine, things were easy. They were friends, and he never – at least, not anymore – felt like he didn’t know how to act around her. As their relationship had shifted to close friendship, he’d felt less of a need to impress her (not that it had ever worked before; in fact, it always backfired dramatically), and things between them were natural. They fit each other perfectly, her filling in the gaps where he was lacking. It was like they were two halves of one whole, conforming to each other seamlessly. In battle, they were one unit, unstoppable. A force to be reckoned with.

_One._

Ezra swallowed as he looked into Shae’s clear blue eyes. That thought, while he was supposed to be with another girl, didn’t sit right. So he defaulted to being physical, which didn’t feel like the entirely _wrong_ move, necessarily… Bending down, he pressed his lips to hers, and she responded, kissing him back with a smile on her lips. He shifted to slide his arms around her as hers tightened around his neck, and as they kissed, good as it was, his mind drifted back to the corridor with Sabine. Her staring defiantly at him after she’d slipped and admitted she had feelings for him, and his heart thundering as he waited with bated breath for her to respond. He felt the tension rolling off her through the Force in pounding waves, mingled with anger and nervousness and fear and want and creating a heady, charged concoction he wasn’t sure even _he_ could handle, even with as well as he knew her. It took all of his focus and Jedi training to withstand it and not give in. In his mind’s eye, he saw himself seizing the chance and kissing her, pressing her up against that wall and showing her what he was capable of and what he could give her.

Abruptly, Ezra pulled away from Shae. His mind shouldn’t be going there. He shouldn’t be thinking about Sabine’s legs wrapped around his waist while he was kissing another girl.

Shae, however, didn’t pick up on his change, though she could obviously tell that he was worked up. The thing was, it wasn’t about her. Smiling, Shae took hold of the front of his jacket and said, “Want to stay the night?”

Ezra wasn’t entirely sure about her implication. For one thing, he’d never been propositioned. For another, surely she wouldn’t be trying to jump in bed with him when they’d just been reacquainted a day, right? And lastly, well, after what he’d confessed earlier…

“Um,” he replied dumbly.

Shae laughed and shook her hair back from her face. “Relax, Ez. I’m not trying to get you in bed. Not like that.”

Ezra swallowed a lump he didn’t realize was in his throat, and he nodded. “Okay. Good,” he said. “Because I’m not…”

_Ready._

Well, shavit, he didn’t seem to be able to shut himself up about this, or stop himself from babbling stupid things. Sabine would just poke him in the shoulder and tease him. How much experience did _she_ have, he wondered? She’d casually mentioned a couple of boyfriends from the Academy, with the last one being someone she didn’t want to talk about much. When he’d tried to bring the guy up, her mood had turned dark.

The knot of pressure in Ezra’s chest refused to abate and made it hard to breathe. He didn’t think it had anything to do with Shae, though, or her offer. It took him a moment to realize it was tension, tension at the thought of Sabine.

Sabine, who was his best friend.

Sabine, who was unattainable.

“Sure,” Ezra found himself saying. “I’ll stay.”


	13. You Jealous? Pt. 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/30/20: Hey friends. Wanted to update this past Monday, but, well, the ol' major depression hit again, and now I'm having problems with my kidneys. So once again, I'm not in a very good place. Been a lot of crying this week. I hope you guys are all doing okay or even just okay-ish, and that this brings you some joy in such a crappy time. Thank you for every kindness you do to me.
> 
> Peace. ❤️

_-Sabine-_

Morning didn’t make things easier. Sabine shifted uncomfortably in her bunk, trying not to think about that stupid, brief fantasy she’d had in the hallway of the base. Trying to ignore the dreams she’d had last night. Her feelings were purely biological. Evolutionary. Base. Another person had shown interest in Ezra; ergo, it made him a more desirable mate because another showed he was desirable. That was all this was. Pure science. She didn’t _want_ Ezra, not in _that way_. He was her friend, her partner, her crewmate. Thinking of him like that…was disrespectful.

Yes. That was what she decided, as she got ready for the day and slouched out to the common room for breakfast. Everyone was there already…except the young Jedi.

“Where’s Ezra?” Sabine asked as she got a bowl of cold grains from the galley. “He out for a morning run?” _Jerk,_ she thought. _Didn’t even ask me. So wrapped up in his dumb girlfriend, he didn’t even think –_

“I haven’t seen him this morning,” Hera said coolly. “At all.”

Something _very_ unpleasant struct hard in Sabine’s chest. “You mean he didn’t come back last night?”

Hera shook her head, and the fact that she wouldn’t say any more, wouldn’t meet Sabine’s eyes, meant she was angry. The quieter Hera got, the worse it was.

Zeb’s mouth dropped open. “I thought I just missed him this morning. He _really_ didn’t come back?” Again, another head-shake from the Twi’lek. Again, like yesterday, Zeb burst out into laughter and elbowed Chopper, chuckling maliciously to himself. “You know what that means. Ezra got l – ”

“Garazeb Orrelios!” Hera scolded, pinning him with a glare. Then she turned back to Sabine. “I had hoped, again, that he was with you. _Find him._ ”

Just as Sabine was storming out of the ship, the guy himself rounded the ramp. “Hey, Sabine,” he said congenially, like nothing was wrong.

“Where were _you_ last night?” she asked him tartly. “You didn’t come back, and everyone knows it.”

“Ah, yeah.” He reached up to rub the back of his neck. “I should’ve commed you.”

“You should’ve _not done it_.” But he hadn’t answered the question, and Sabine narrowed her eyes. “So…where were you?”

“With Shae.”

So Zeb was right, much as she hadn’t wanted to believe it. He’d spent the night with her. Despite her best efforts, Sabine’s face fell, her mouth parting slightly at the answer. Something uncomfortable burned in her chest, something hard and cold and… _painful_. Ezra, who’d always been in tune with her, must have noticed the change in her, and his face slackened, too.

“I didn’t…I wasn’t…y’know, _with her_ ,” he said. “Just spent the night.”

A bolt of unexpected relief plunged through Sabine. Not wanting to show how it affected her, she shook her head and turned her back on him. “You’ll have to answer to Hera.”

Ezra followed her back into the _Ghost_ to the common room, where he was met with a stony look from their captain.

“Ezra,” Hera said. “You know the rules.”

Again, he rubbed his neck. “Sorry, Hera,” he said. “I guess I got carried away.”

Hera folded her arms, and he looked over at Kanan. Sabine saw disappointment on Ezra’s face when he saw Kanan’s disapproval.

“ ‘Carried away?’ ” Hera repeated, then started ticking offenses off on her fingers. “You didn’t tell us where you were. You didn’t come back when I told you to. You skipped out on your crew duties. This is the behavior I expected from a fourteen-year-old street kid when he first joined the crew, _not_ a seventeen-year-old Jedi.”

Suitably admonished – and in front of the entire crew, no less – Ezra looked down at the deck, chagrined. “I’m sorry, Hera,” he said again, his fists clenching. “It won’t happen again.”

Hera nodded in acknowledgment. “Scrub duty,” she said. “The next three days. I want this ship scrubbed top to bottom every free moment you’ve got.”

Ezra’s shoulders slumped further. “I understand.”

“Good. Now, tell us about this girl that’s got you forgetting your duties to the Rebellion.”

Ezra glanced at Sabine, who gave him an impassive expression back. “She’s great,” he said. “Really smart. You guys would like her.”

“And I hear she’s in Intelligence.”

“Yeah, she works under Captain Andor.”

“I’ll bet she does,” Sabine muttered, then colored when she realized she’d said it aloud and everyone was now staring at her. She cleared her throat and cocked her head, returning their stares with a look on her face that said, _Challenge me?_

“Good,” Hera said carefully, keeping her eyes on Sabine for a moment. “She sounds nice.”

Conversation came to a dead stop then, until Hera stood and told them all to get on with their day. Zeb lumbered toward Ezra, a wicked grin on his face and a burbling Chopper in his wake.

“Well, regardless of what our captain says, I’m proud of you, kid,” the big Lasat said, clapping his roommate on the shoulder so hard Ezra nearly fell over. “Congratulations: you are now a man. Didn’t think you had it in you.”

Chopper replied with something off-color, turning Zeb’s words around, and Ezra scowled at both of them.

“Just…butt out of my business,” he replied. Zeb chortled to himelf as he left the room, and Chopper pumped up his manipulators at Ezra, as if to say, _Nice one, tough guy._ Ezra rolled his eyes and turned back to Sabine.

“You’re not even going to correct them?” she asked, somewhat irritated by his choice. He shook his head.

“What’s the point?”

“I dunno, setting the record straight so they know what to properly tease you about?”

Ezra’s mouth quirked up in what was, disturbingly, a rather sexy half-smile. Then he put his hands on his hips and said, “It seems to me you’re the only one bothered by it. If you’re so concerned about it, why don’t _you_ tell them? And _set the record straight_.”

Sabine colored, not liking the look in his eye that said he saw right through her. The image of them together in the corridor flashed through her head, and she wondered if he could see that, too. She hurriedly slammed a mental wall down on her thoughts. Then she shook her hair back and tried to play it off.

“You’re such a dumb guy,” she responded, and started to breeze past him. But he whirled on her in a flash and grabbed her arm.

“Sabine, wait,” he said. His voice was softer now, all trace of humor gone. She turned back to him. “What you said in the corridor…I can’t stop thinking about it.”

Oh _no_. No, no, no. Her mind raced, trying to figure out how to play this.

“Okay?” she finally said. Firm, somewhat challenging, and the ball was still in his court.

Ezra let go of her arm and took a half-step closer to her. His move forced her to tilt her head up to look at him. When had he gotten so _tall_?

“Did you mean it?” he asked quietly.

“Did I mean what?” she replied, both to stall and to make him say it. Maybe if he didn’t, they wouldn’t have to have this conversation at all.

“You said I’d moved on, and that you had to be okay with that.”

She had to backpeddle. She _had_ to. Get herself out of this any way she could. Survival mode kicked in, blotting out all other reason that might otherwise shape her response.

“I meant I need to get used to seeing you as someone other girls want,” Sabine replied. “That’s all.”

Ezra, however, clearly didn’t buy it. His brow furrowed. “If you don’t want me seeing her…if you don’t want me seeing anyone…”

Sabine shook her head. “No, that’s not it.”

That _was_ it.

“I want you to be happy,” she clarified. “You of all people deserve that. I want to _see_ you happy.”

“Then why react that way?” he asked. “When you saw me with Shae?”

His eyes had a horrible effect on her. They always had. They were so sincere and open and kind, and now, as she looked into them, she felt helpless to fight him.

“I think,” Ezra said quietly, moving even closer to her, now completely in her space, “you sensed something, or felt something, I don’t know, something between us, and you’re afraid of it.”

Sabine fiercely shook her head. “Don’t do that,” she said tersely. “Don’t try to read me with your stupid magic powers.”

“I’m not. I’m not using the Force at all.”

Furious, scared, panicking, she knew she had to get away. Put distance between them. She turned on her heel and strode away, leaving him there at the other end of the common room.

“Sabine,” he called after her. “Don’t. Please. Just talk to me.”

Knowing she was being an ass – and being unfair to him – she halted and turned back. He approached again, and once again, they stood close together, as if she’d never escaped him at all.

“Please don’t do this, Ezra,” she pleaded, captivated by his gaze and unable to look away.

“I’m not trying to do anything to you,” he said. “I just want the truth.”

“I can’t” – her voice caught – “give it to you. And you need to let this drop.”

This was agony for him, she realized. Finally, after almost three years, she’d let it slip that she’d come to develop feelings for him, something he, at this point, never thought would happen. And now she wouldn’t face them. The thing was, though, she couldn’t. She wasn’t ready to. She’d never meant to admit her feelings to him – ever – and now that they were out, she didn’t know how to process them. It was just so _complicated_ with Ezra, in ways it never was back at the Academy. Things were spiraling out of control. Her eyes dipped down to his lips momentarily, wondering what it would feel like to give in and just kiss him, wondering how soft his lips were and what he tasted like. What it would be like to experience that kind of closeness with him, someone she’d been close with on a platonic level for years now. How his arms might feel around her, how his tongue might feel in her mouth, how his hands might feel on her bare skin…

“Please, just talk to me,” Ezra begged. “I’m not going to shoot you down or laugh or reject you or…or anything like that. You know I won’t.”

Finally, she forced herself to break eye contact, and she rubbed at her temple with her hand. “Ezra…” she whispered, wishing she could give him more than this, but knowing she absolutely, without question, was not in a place to do anything about it – if she even wanted to do anything about it at all. She should’ve felt exhilaration. There were mutual feelings, and that was always exciting. It had happened twice for her at the Academy, and each time, it was so heady and a whirlwind of emotions and tingling feelings.

This, though…there was that, yes, but it was mostly overshadowed by all-consuming fear.

“We’re friends,” Sabine continued, her voice thin. “And I’m not ready. Whatever you think…” She swallowed, then forced the words out. “… _this_ is, I’m still trying to process it. I’m not ready to discuss it yet. I _can’t_.”

She sensed he wanted to push the issue. A year ago, maybe he would have. But instead, he simply nodded and said, “Okay.”

It looked like it took every single micron of his willpower to say it.

* * *

The next day, Ezra casually mentioned that he and Shae weren’t seeing each other anymore. Sabine shrugged at his response, while turning away to hide a small smile she couldn’t help from crossing her face.

Ezra never brought Shae up again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That concludes this arc, which was only supposed to be 3 parts. 😆 Next up is an Imperial ball undercover mission, which I hinted at in Chapters 3 & 4 ("Surveillance"). No point to it, really, other than to force them into a small, dark space together to make them confront each other again. I didn't plan for this whatsoever in this fic, but The Killers's "Shot at the Night" is on my Sabezra playlist, and it came on and I got these images in my mind of them at this ball and talking to each other... So it has to be written. After that, I'll FINALLY be getting into the "Trials of the Darksaber" scenes, then a chapter called "Comfort" for the very end of season 3.
> 
> And they're still not together yet. I know. I hope you're enjoying the story even though the burn is SO slow. Didn't mean to drag it out this much.


	14. Shot at the Night, Pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hera sends them back to the planet in the [“Surveillance”](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23163262/chapters/55505656#workskin) arc for some undercover work. 
> 
> “If this goes well and we get the intel we need from the governor,” Hera continued, frowning extra hard when Ezra shoved Sabine under the table, “then we might even send you in undercover.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 8/5/20: This takes place after “Visions & Voices” but before “Trials of the Darksaber” (that arc is coming after! :D ). Inspired by The Killers’s [”Shot at the Night.”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4YK-DEkvcw) Like, entirely. I love this song and have associated it with Sabezra for a while now, but I was listening to it a few weeks ago and got a few images in my mind for this arc, sooo…here we are. More material. Again. :P (Also, Max Minghella in that video, OH MY GOD. *ded*)
> 
> BTW, the point of the mission isn’t important. Let’s just assume it’s Super Important Secret Rebel Stuff.

_-Ezra-_

He was staring.

He knew he was staring.

But he couldn’t stop it. He couldn’t look away.

Until Sabine narrowed her eyes and gave him an extremely vicious glare, at which point, he found something else to look at.

Hera wanted them to go in undercover to the governor’s new year’s ball on Ertis. They’d checked up on the system every so often after Ezra and Sabine had gone there early last year to surveil it. Now, Hera decided, was a good time to get some real intel, since they hadn’t been able to gather much covertly from their stake-outs.

A ball meant dressing up, and Ezra was currently feeling very self-conscious in the suit Alliance Intelligence had managed to dig up for him. It was uncomfortable and didn’t fit right, too stiff and dragging along his skin. He kept clawing at the collar, while Hera kept slapping his hands away.

Sabine, however…

They’d forced her into a dress. Long, black, form-fitting, some sort of slinky material that moved like liquid. It wasn’t that low-cut by general standards, but it dipped down her chest in a little V that revealed more skin than Ezra was used to seeing on her. She’d given in on the dress on the condition that she could still wear her boots and concealed weapons. Intelligence also wanted them disguised, which meant she wore a long brunette wig that she’d styled into an updo, along with a _lot_ of makeup. Ezra had been issued lenses that disguised the color of his eyes and changed them into a dark brown. He wasn’t entirely sure he’d gotten them in right, because he was still blinking a lot and his eyes hurt. “Not much we can do about your hair,” the Intelligence agent outfitting them said. “It’s so damn short.” She’d suggested a wig, which he had adamantly _refused_.

Much as he hated getting dressed up in this stupid outfit, there were some benefits – such as Sabine having to use her makeup to conceal his scars. She was very thorough with it, working quietly, lightly tapping and brushing his face with her fingertips as she blended the color out.

She’d never touched his face like that before. Shivers ran over him when she did. And her face, too, was so close… Then she clicked the top closed on her product and tapped his jaw. “You missed a spot shaving.”

“What’re _you_ staring at?” she snarled now, and Ezra looked away, embarrassed but a lot more excited about this mission than he previously was.

“You both look great,” Hera said. “Get going.”

\---

“You’re supposed to give me your arm.”

“What?”

Sabine demonstrated, tucking her fist to her stomach and sticking her elbow out.

“What?” Ezra repeated. Sabine sighed loudly and rolled her eyes to the heavens while simultaneously shaking her head.

“You really are uncultured,” she said.

“I’m sorry,” Ezra replied unapologetically as she grabbed his arm and adjusted it into place, “not a lot of cotillion going on when I was, you know, _seven and on the street_.”

“You know what cotillion is?” Sabine looped her arm through his as he rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, I’m not a complete culchie.”

Sabine chuckled, which made Ezra smile. Her earlier remark wasn’t a real insult, just part of a longstanding insult-based teasing tradition they’d had since Ezra had first joined the crew and Sabine had spit out her sandwich when she saw him eating straight out of a container they all shared.

“Don’t be so awkward,” Sabine hissed as they walked up to the garden patio in the back. They’d figured the best and easiest way to infiltrate would be around the back. Not a lot of guards watched the area, and the ones who were out there were on smoke breaks and disinclined to do much guarding.

 _“Sorry,”_ Ezra hissed back. “This isn’t exactly _ordinary_ for me.”

Confidently, Sabine yanked him closer by her elbow, connected to his. “We’re supposed to be in love.”

Ezra snorted so loud she cast him a sideways look, her perfectly arched brows raised. He caught her eye, so he was able to see the moment the comment truly registered with her. In response, she narrowed her eyes and shook her head at him, but he didn’t sense anger. More like…discomfort. But with a little bit of amusement underneath.

“I have a very sharp vibroblade strapped to my leg,” she muttered. “Don’t make me use it.”

“Oh?” Ezra replied. “Maybe I should check it to be sure it’s in working order. You know. Safety precautions and all. Can’t have anything going wrong at a critical moment.”

“I’ll show you something going wrong at a critical moment,” she muttered, then pointed at the giant fountain and surrounding pool to their right. “I will dunk you in that,” she added. “I swear I will. I don’t care _how_ special you are.”

Ezra laughed, and she unlinked her arm and pushed at his shoulder. Unbeknownst to them – somehow – a couple had approached to pass by them, and as Ezra glanced at them, a smile on his face, he saw they had smiles on their faces, too. They clearly thought he and Sabine really _were_ a couple, fondly joking around with each other, which made him look away and try to fight a bigger smile that wanted to cross his face.

“Come on,” he said, taking her elbow again. “Let’s get this over with.”

\---

Kanan and Hera had done their best to show Ezra the basics of dancing, but he had failed to catch on even in the slightest. In short, he was hopeless, so that half an hour into their mission, Sabine was already complaining about her hurt toes.

“And that’s in _boots_ , mind you,” she muttered. “ _Mandalorian_ boots.”

“Look, I’ve already apologized a bunch of times,” Ezra replied. “I can’t be good at everything.”

“We’ll add this one to the list. Dammit, Dev!” she snapped as he trod on her foot again. “Dancing, tidiness, choosing music…what else are you bad at?”

Ezra shrugged, trying not to think about her hand in his and his other hand on her waist, the thin black fabric warm under his palm. “Shaving, apparently.”

“Girls.”

“I’m good at girls.”

“You don’t even know what that means.”

“No, I don’t.”

Sabine smiled at him, and Ezra’s chest seized. Her makeup was way too heavy, and she didn’t really look like herself, but that smile was a special one, the one she reserved just for him. He felt his lips involuntarily twitch – he was thinking about kissing her again – and he shifted his gaze to the silvery earrings that dangled from her ears, thin and so long they nearly brushed her bare shoulders near her collarbone. He wondered what that skin would feel like under his fingers, under his lips…

“Check it out,” Sabine said, nodding to the side. Ezra wrenched his gaze from her and looked where she indicated, to see the governor ducking out for the first time that night. Leaning in close to Ezra so her mouth was near his ear and only he could hear her, she added, “Just like we’ve seen during our other trips here.” Ezra shivered as her lips brushed his ear, and his hand clenched involuntarily on hers. “Ow. Lighten up, ace.”

Then, to make the situation worse than it already was, she let go of his hand, removed her other one from his shoulder, and wrapped her arms around his neck – to maintain more cover, of course, but Ezra gulped to have her this close to him. She’d sprayed something on, perfume or something the Alliance had dug up for her, and while it wasn’t the scent he was used to from her, it still smelled good. Feminine. His pulse raced, and he was sure she could feel his heart pounding with her chest pressed up tight to his.

“He takes people up to the rooftop garden a couple times an hour,” Sabine said, her voice right in his ear again and her warm arms resting against his neck. “Same sketchy stuff as before.”

Ezra swallowed. His brain wasn’t functioning right, not with her this close to him, smelling so good, and looking so, so breathtaking. “Okay.”

She moved away from him, putting space in between them that he both hated and needed. They kept a low profile for the next hour, observing the governor and his comings and goings to see if they’d changed (which they hadn’t).

The two rebels were back out on the dancefloor again when an opportunity presented itself for them to act and get into the maintenance room that overlooked the governor’s office. Sabine was distracted, surreptitiously casing the room again, and Ezra couldn’t get her attention. Once she looked back at him, though, she was too far away for him to tell her without risking being overheard.

Finally, he leaned in and said over the music, “I have something to say!”

Sabine acted quickly, taking his hands in hers and spinning smoothly under his arms. At the end of the spin, her back pressed right up against his chest and her ear was right by his mouth. His arms crossed over her front…holding her.

“Yes?” she said, and she didn’t look affected in the slightest. All thoughts left Ezra’s head.

“Uh…” he said, desperately trying to remember what it was he wanted to say. Her fingers were laced in his, and she squeezed painfully tight, reminding him of where they were and the danger they were in. If they were found out in this room full of Imperials, they’d be taken away and imprisoned – and that was the best scenario. Worst was being shipped off straight to Thrawn. Now was _not_ the time to mess around and get distracted.

“You had something to say?” Sabine prompted.

Ezra shook himself back to reality and took a deep breath. Her body moved with his as his chest rose and fell. “R-right,” he said, then ducked his head to speak in her ear. “Uh, now might be a good time to move. I think our room is free.”

Sabine let go of one of his hands, but kept her fingers laced in the other, pulling him after her toward the exit. Anyone watching wouldn’t think anything of it.

Once they were out in the quiet hall, the music mostly muted by the walls and closed doors, Ezra started yanking at his collar again. “This thing is horrible. Pure torture.”

“You think I like this any better?” Sabine asked as they walked.

“I like it.”

For a beat, she didn’t say anything, and Ezra wondered if he should’ve kept his mouth shut. Probably.

“You do?” she asked. She sounded, of all things, unsure.

Ezra shrugged. “ ’Course I do. You look beautiful.”

Sabine looked down and plucked at the tight fabric. “It’s just so…girly.”

“Well, you’re a girl.”

She rolled her eyes, and just like that, the moment was over. Ezra winced and reached up to rub his eyebrow. “I just meant…”

“I know what you meant.” Her tone was sharp. “I don’t have to conform to societal norms of femininity to be beautiful or considered a woman.”

“No, that’s not what I meant at all.” Ezra stopped and grabbed her wrist without thinking about it. She stopped with him, looking up at him, waiting for his response. “I just meant…you can wear pretty things and still be tough, and people can still think you’re pretty. And tough. And strong. ‘Sometimes the strongest warriors are hidden under the most surprising guises.’ ”

Sabine’s brow furrowed, and she cocked her head. “Where’d you get that one from?”

Ezra’s throat went dry, and he felt melancholy all of a sudden. “It was from my mom. She used to tell me that. I didn’t get it at the time, but…now I do.”

Sabine smiled, and he relaxed a bit. “She was very beautiful. And yes, very strong. Your dad, too. Handsome and strong.”

Ezra gave her a smile back, the gesture still touched by sadness. “Well, at least I got the strength from them.”

“And the looks.” Sabine broke eye contact and nodded down the hallway. “Let’s go.”


	15. Shot at the Night, Pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ezra and Sabine spy on the governor and have a conversation about how they feel about each other.
> 
> _Sabine shook her head fiercely, though he didn’t know what she meant by that gesture. “I can’t lose you,” she said tersely. “It’s not worth it, Ezra.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 8/11/20: Inspired by a scene from season 1 of _Roswell_ , 1999. Hahaha.
> 
> Finally getting some romance in here!! FINALLY. :) And what I hope is lots of UST. ;)
> 
> BTW, want to state upfront that they talk about the last guy Sabine dated, and I don’t want you all to freak out or worry about what’s said. It’s deliberately ambiguous because she just doesn’t want to talk about it yet, but I promise it sounds worse than it is. I’m not trying to pull some big, dark surprise on you guys, which is why I am telling you about it here. They WILL talk about it later, but it is for a LATER conversation, when she’s more comfortable with talking about that stuff with Ezra.

_-Ezra-_

The maintenance room was deserted – and unlocked – when they slipped in. The _Ghost_ crew had chosen it specifically because of its prime location to Governor Trebben’s personal office. It overlooked it, with a large vent allowing the two rebels to see through and into the space. Ezra locked the door behind him as Sabine sat against one wall in the dark, while he sat against the opposite wall. The room was small enough that with their legs stretched out, their feet touched. All they had to do now was wait Trebben out.

Ezra tried not to think about Sabine’s last comment to him: _And the looks._ She was complimenting his appearance after saying she thought his mom was beautiful and his dad was handsome. In other words, she thought he was attractive. While the things she’d been saying to him lately made his heart sing, he really wished she’d be more blunt. Why couldn’t she just come out and say what she truly meant?

Well, because that was Sabine, of course. That was her way.

Now, Ezra figured, would be a good time to meditate, before his mind wandered too far. He got up onto his knees, took a deep breath, and closed his eyes. Meditating, he figured, would be better than to focus on Sabine’s presence, right there across from him, wearing a beautiful gown that showed off every single aspect of her perfect body, leaving so little to his imagination…

Ezra blew the breath out and concentrated, forcing his hands to stay loose on his thighs. Meditating wasn’t easy in this stupid suit he’d been given, and he was very uncomfortable.

_Push it away…push past it…it doesn’t matter…nothing matters but the Force…_

_I just want the truth._

_You need to let this drop._

_Please, just talk to me._

_Whatever you think_ this _is, I’m still trying to process it. I’m not ready to discuss it yet. I_ can’t _._

Deep breath. In…then out. Sink deeper into the Force. Repeat.

They hadn’t talked any more about that conversation. A week had passed, and it was like it had never happened. Sabine didn’t bring it up, he sure as hell didn’t bring it up, and no one else was aware of it. So, for all intents and purposes, it disappeared. And if he knew Sabine Wren at all, it was quite possible it would never, ever come up again.

The thought made him more glum than he cared to admit.

Also, he was getting absolutely nowhere with this meditation.

Ezra cleared his mind again, tried again, finally felt himself start to sink into it.

“Ezra.”

Like a homing beacon, his mind immediately zeroed in on her voice and her presence until it filled his entire awareness. Straightening his back, breathing in through his nose, he let out the breath and said, “Yeah?”

“I’m sorry about that conversation last week,” Sabine said. “I probably made you mad.”

“I’m not mad.”

“Right. I guess you don’t get mad.”

Ezra opened his eyes and blinked, trying to figure out what she was getting at with that last statement. Looking over at her in the dark, he saw her picking at her nails, which she’d had to paint for this mission.

“I get mad,” he said. “I’m human.”

Sabine allowed herself a small smile. “Sometimes I forget.”

Meditation was _absolutely_ not happening tonight. “Hey,” Ezra said, getting out of his kneeling position and moving across the room so that he had his back up against the wall next to her. “It’s fine. Has this been eating at you all week?”

She nodded but still wouldn’t look at him. “A little.”

“I’m not hurt. I mean, I get it. I know how you are, and how you – ” He abruptly came to a stop, but then decided his words were okay. “Feel about things.”

Sabine frowned, staring intently at her nails. “It could go so wrong,” she murmured.

Shock hit Ezra. Shavit. This was it. It had come out of nowhere, and…they were actually _talking about it._

“What could?” Ezra asked in as light and neutral a voice as he could manage, not wanting to spook her. Sabine’s presence shifted from nervous to agitated, and her gaze remained firmly fixed on her nails.

“Us,” she said bluntly, shocking Ezra again with her candor. “I’m just afraid…if I got into a relationship with you…that things would blow up in my face. In both our faces.”

Ezra shifted uncomfortably, not sure how to handle this. This was, after all, what he’d wanted last week when he’d tried to talk to Sabine on the _Ghost_ , and she hadn’t been ready. She’d sounded like she was willing to consider the conversation – and _maybe_ a relationship – in the future, but he had no way to know how long he’d have to wait for it to come up again. Honestly, he’d assumed anywhere between five years and never.

“Yeah, I guess that could…that could happen,” Ezra admitted. “But what if it doesn’t?”

Sabine shook her head fiercely, though he didn’t know what she meant by that gesture. “I can’t lose you,” she said tersely. “It’s not worth it, Ezra.”

He didn’t acknowledge her slip with using his real name instead of his Dev Morgan alias. He’d personally done everything he could to avoid calling her Ria Talla. Her slipping like that, when she never messed up on mission, showed how deeply this bothered her. And he really didn’t have a good argument against what she said, other than what he’d already said.

“So you _are_ afraid,” he said. “Of…this. Whatever it is. Between us.”

Sabine clicked her nails together and then looked over at the vent. Alternating stripes of light and dark painted her face. “Yes, I suppose I am.”

“Because of me.”

“Because you’re my friend and we work together, yeah. I mean, we _live_ together. If something goes wrong, how are we supposed to recover from that? What if we wind up hating each other?”

Quietly, Ezra said, “I could never hate you. Not you.”

For a moment, she didn’t reply, and Ezra took a chance and slowly reached out for her hand. She let him take it and slide their fingers together, their hands clasped on her knee.

“I could never hate you, either,” she said.

Ezra bit the inside of his cheek, trying to figure out the next words to say. It would be so easy to scare her off now, with just one wrong or misplaced word.

“I know you don’t really talk about the last guy you were with,” he said carefully. “Did something happen?”

As usual, Sabine’s mood instantly soured. Her fingers clenched involuntarily on Ezra’s. “Yeah. Kind of. He’d been after me to go out with him since I got to the Academy. Eventually I just caved because I was so sick of him, and I figured, what was the harm? But he got really pushy, really quickly. He tried to get me to do stuff with him I didn’t want to do. I’ve never felt the need to have a relationship in my life anyway, and then this _di’kut_ came along.”

Ezra swallowed, not liking what he was hearing and wondering how bad it had gotten. “Was he okay to you?”

Sabine shrugged. “Okay in the sense that he wasn’t an abusive jerk or anything, just a very hormonal sixteen-year-old who knew what he wanted. He was nice enough in his way; just wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

“Did you…I mean…”

Again, Sabine fell silent. When she didn’t reply, Ezra turned fully to her and brought his other hand up to hold hers between his palms.

“Sabine,” he said earnestly, keeping his voice low so no one would hear him use her real name, “I would _never_ make you do anything you didn’t want to do. Like with anything, ever, but I mean, with me. We wouldn’t even have to do anything at all. I would never do that to you. I couldn’t. I’m not like that.”

She seemed to rouse herself out of wherever she’d gone. “No, I know,” she replied. “That’s not really my concern.”

“I really don’t think anything would be different if we decided to try a relationship,” Ezra said. “We’re already best friends and know each other better than anyone. We might as well be in one anyway. We’re practically there.”

“Well,” Sabine said dryly. “Some things would change.”

Ezra’s gaze caught on her mouth, shiny and tempting and full with all the layers of gloss on it. His heart started beating too hard, and he swallowed uncomfortably. “Right. Those things. If you wanted to.”

Sabine smiled and leaned her head on his shoulder. “I like being with you, Ezra,” she said, quietly enough that no one else could have heard her use his real name, either. “You make me feel like I’m okay.”

Ezra turned his head and kissed her hair, before remembering that it was a wig. “Yeah, you too, Sabine.”

A lock clicking in the room below ended their moment. Immediately they moved over to the vent to watch as Governor Trebben walked in. He sat down at his terminal and logged in. After ten tedious, silent minutes, he shut the machine off again and left.

“That’s our cue,” Ezra whispered.

They left the maintenance closet and hurried through the mansion to the office on the floor below. It was unguarded, and Sabine easily bypassed the lock. Then she dropped down into the desk chair and got to work, scoffing as soon as she broke the password.

“It’s his mother’s name,” she muttered. “Men.”

The program she inserted copied all of the governor’s keystrokes, and Sabine was back out of the terminal in a flash.

“Let’s go,” she said.

No one was around still – not that they expected anyone to be, what with the party going on – and it was easy for them to slip back out of the mansion and leave unseen.

As they approached the _Ghost_ on foot after using a couple different vehicles to get close to it, Sabine sighed and started taking down the elaborate updo she’d made out of the dark brown wig, while Ezra lagged behind her. He watched her, thinking back over the mission, and about their words in the maintenance closet. It was progress, he thought. Pretty good progress, actually.

“I eventually punched him, in case you were wondering,” Sabine said in the silence. Ezra frowned and pulled himself from his thoughts, confused.

“Who?”

“My ex. In front of the whole mess hall. Got a demerit.”

Ezra laughed as he caught up with her, and she smiled back. “I wouldn’t expect anything less.”

Still smiling at him, she pulled out the last pins, and the hair of the wig swirled down from the updo and fell around her shoulders. Ezra drew up to her and stopped, looking at her and thinking more than he should. Finally, the intensity of her gaze was too much, and he looked down and scratched at the back of his neck with his finger.

“Sabine, um. You know I respect you, and I…I just want the best for you. Whatever that is.”

Unexpectedly, he felt her hand along his jaw, lifting his eyes up to hers again. She was still smiling, and she moved closer.

“I know that,” she said. “I’ve always known, no matter how you showed it.”

Then he moved closer, and he couldn’t help it: his hands came up and slid onto her waist. His body desperately wanted to pull her against him and feel all of her, but he held himself in check. What was more, she let him touch her like this. Her hand smoothed down his neck and across his shoulder, and his breath shuddered out of him. He found himself suddenly breathless, and speechless.

“Sabine…” he whispered tightly, because the desire to kiss her now was overwhelming, seizing his chest and making his breaths painful and difficult. He started to get dizzy.

“I miss your eyes,” she said. “I hate those contacts.” Then she raised her hand again and touched his left cheekbone. “And this. Your scars.”

Ezra frowned in surprise, his breathing returning to normal. “You like them?”

Sabine shrugged. “You don’t look like you.”

“Is that what…you like?” he asked. “Me looking like me?”

She smiled, but she didn’t answer his question. “We’d better get inside and debrief with Hera.”

Then she turned and walked to the boarding ramp, and Ezra shook his head with a smile. His hand rose to gingerly touch his cheekbone where her touch still lingered.

It had been an interesting night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was that tense/USTy enough? Yes? No?? :)
> 
> *UPDATE* Crispybear commented that they thought these two would have to improvise some sort of "intimate" scene because someone would open to the door to the closet and they had to maintain cover, and I gotta admit...that was a wasted opportunity. So I guess I'm going to have to find a way to make that happen now. ;)


	16. Whataya Want from Me? (Sabine), Pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Trials of the Darksaber” missing scene.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> September 26, 2020: All right, guys, I tried really, really hard to write a “faking it for the Rebellion” chapter for that last arc, but I couldn’t get it right. Everything I wrote was just terrible and OOC and didn’t fit at all. I kept trying and trying, but after 6 weeks of trying to make it work, I’ve realized it’s not working, and I’m going to have to move on. And this chapter is really short, too. Sorry. :( The chapter after this is not completed, and it’s…the last one I have. The entire time I’ve had this fic in mind I haven’t been able to come up with anything past this arc that I could use. I don’t want to just end it with them getting together – I think that would be really disappointing after all this build-up – but I can’t think of anything else to do. I’ll keep trying. :(

_At least you have parents to go back to._

Ezra’s words repeated themselves over and over in Sabine’s mind as she watched him walk away. He’d tried – he really had this time – but she wasn’t ready to talk. She’d lashed out at Kanan and stormed off like a child. She’d known Ezra would come find her to talk to her, but she just didn’t need him right now. She didn’t want to hear about _how great Kanan was_ or _how hard Kanan tried_ and _how well he meant_. She wanted to be _alone_.

Again, Sabine kicked the rock next to her, wishing she had her punching bags from back home. She could really use something to sink her fists and feet into.

“Well, there seems to be no cause for _that_ ,” said a deep, otherworldly voice from above her. Sabine stumbled back, mouth dropping open, and looked up…

…to see the giant coral structure turn toward her and reveal an alien face.

“Who are you?” she asked. “What are you?”

“I am the Bendu,” the creature said. “And you have kicked me.”

“I’m-I’m sorry,” Sabine said, her hand drifting toward her pistol. “I thought you were a rock – ”

“I was here before the first rock, and I will be here after it. What is that you have in your hand?”

Bendu’s eyes hadn’t shifted away from her face, and yet he’d seen her move her hand to the weapon.

“Whose side are you on?” Sabine demanded, not releasing her hold on the pistol.

“I am on the side of Atollon. Your rebels have intruded upon my world, and _you_ have intruded upon my sleep.”

“I’m sorry,” she said again. “I didn’t know.”

“There is much you do not see, even with your eyes open.”

Sabine waited, not saying a thing or moving a muscle. He may not be on the Empire’s side, but if he wasn’t on theirs, she sure wasn’t going to trust him…whatever he was.

“Tell me: why do you lash out at the boy?”

“I wasn’t ready to talk,” Sabine answered. “He…he can be persistent.”

“I have witnessed none of that.”

Sabine scoffed. “You don’t know him.” Bendu inclined his chin toward her, disapproving. “Okay, fine. He was just trying to help. But he doesn’t understand. None of them do.”

“We all carry pain in our hearts, burdens from the past that seem as if they will never truly go away. You are capable of wielding the Darksaber, if only you would listen to yourself.”

Sabine shook her head and crossed her arms. “You don’t understand,” she murmured.

Bendu held his silence, not acknowledging that, and Sabine sensed that he wanted her to think over her words more. The past days had been…weird. Kanan she was used to – she’d seen him train Ezra for years – but Ezra…he was different. Or perhaps, the way she saw him was different. Never before had she seen him in a teaching role before. Usually she was the one teaching him not to do dumb stuff or whatever (which covered a lot of ground). But now he was instructing her in his own ways, the ways that made him different, made him…

_Special._

It made her feel funny, a sort of flip-flopping in her chest that she wasn’t entirely sure how to describe. He’d grown a lot, both physically and mentally, and there was a time not long enough ago that she thought she’d lost him. They’d been becoming friends rather than him being more of a bothersome kid brother to her, but then Malachor happened, and she wondered if she’d ever get the Ezra back that she’d come to really enjoy. The one who wondered if a moon could just randomly drop out of the sky or which ferocious animal would beat another in a match. The boy who was horrified at the idea of having to take a ’fresher break in the woods while on mission with her.

The boy who’d read her palm and her future.

Sabine’s face constricted briefly, the ghost of past pain and hurt.

The boy who’d thrown her gift of art supplies in the trash.

She’d taken them and given them back to him eventually. He used them all the time.

“Your past is blocking you from moving forward,” Bendu said now. “Only you can change that.”

Sabine nodded, deep in thought, and turned to walk away. “Thank – ”

But when she’d turned back to him, he was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This turned out more of a Sabine chapter than a Sabezra chapter, but it’ll be Sabezra in the next.


	17. Whataya Want from Me? (Sabine), Pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sabine and Ezra talk at night after Sabine confesses her doubts to Kanan and have a very important moment alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 10/4/20: Forgot to mention this title is from the same [Adam Lambert song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X1Fqn9du7xo) as the chapters I did for Ezra with the dark side after Malachor. The lyrics fit so perfectly for both of them.
> 
> It's 2 hours past my bedtime. I'm reeeallly gonna regret this in the morning. :P But I don't get much time to myself, so here I am. Anyway, I owe replies on comments. Thanks for everyone's ideas. I'll see what I can do for additional chapters. As I said in the previous chapter, this marks the end of all the ideas I had for this fic, unfortunately. Which is a total bummer because...this is FINALLY the Big Fat Kiss chapter!!! And it's hugely fluffy at the end, and I really like how it turned out. I've always wanted to see more missing scenes from "Trials," but never thought I'd write one of my own.
> 
> I really hope you guys enjoy it. Thank you for everything. <3

_-Sabine-_

It was weird, Sabine reflected, seeing Ezra in this context. It was like for the first time ever, she was seeing him as _more_. Someone to take seriously. She’d already grown to respect him long ago, but having him in a mentor position, teaching her things he knew, things about his livelihood and life and who he was… It was odd.

 _I know this might not be what you want to hear,_ Rau had said. _But for what it’s worth…I would follow you._

_So would I. And I mean it._

Ezra would, too. He would follow her anywhere, into anything, and never leave her side. It was something she knew in the back of her mind, but to actually see him kneeling on the ground before her was something else entirely.

She couldn’t sleep.

The fire burned low when she came out of her tent, and she tossed a couple more logs on it and sat on one of the crates next to it. She stared at it for a few moments, then pulled out the Darksaber and examined it in the flickering orange light. To her left, she heard Ezra’s tent flap open and saw him approach. He took a seat next to her on the opposite crate.

“Hey,” he said. “Couldn’t sleep?”

Sabine shook her head. “Lot on my mind.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

She considered. “No, not really. Sorry about earlier, though. I shouldn’t have gotten mad at you.”

Ezra waved it off. “It’s not a big deal. You’re going through a lot.”

“Sure.” She turned the weapon over in her hand again, then sighed.

“Can I see that?” Sabine passed it to him and watched him look at it. “It feels so much different than a lightsaber. It’s interesting tech.”

“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”

Ezra rolled his eyes and called his saber to him from the interior of the tent. It smacked neatly into his palm. Sabine held her hand out, and he dropped the weapon into it. “ ‘This weapon is your life,’ ” he said quietly, almost as if to himself.

Sabine looked up to find him watching her handle the weapon. “What?”

Ezra shook himself out of whatever he was thinking about. “Something Kanan told me once, when I made my first lightsaber.” Giving her a thin smile, he said, “My life is in your hands.”

Something chilly ran through Sabine, something she was not sure she wanted to give voice to. Turning away from him and standing, she activated the blade. It immediately hummed to life with the distinctive _snap-hiss_ and vibrated menacingly before her eyes, washing the ground around them out with pale green.

“It does feel different,” she said, twisting her wrists and waving it experimentally in an arc. Ezra crossed his arms, the Darksaber still clutched in one hand.

“Do you like it better?” he asked. Sabine shrugged.

“Can’t say I like one either way. Not really my style.”

“No, I suppose not. Want to fight me?”

Sabine arched a brow at him, a smile playing on her lips. “I suppose I could indulge you. If you want.”

“Oh, I do want,” Ezra replied, reaching out with his hand and calling the saber back to him. “I want to see you apologize for the dirty Mandalorian tricks earlier.”

“Ha!” Sabine retorted, catching the Darksaber when he lobbed it to her. Switching it on, she crossed her blade with his and waited.

It didn’t surprise her that Ezra didn’t make the first move. Instead, she swung at him, and he easily deflected it. After a solid five minutes and not even breaking a sweat, she said,

“You’re going easy on me.”

In response, he ramped up his defense and easily beat her within half a minute – and it didn’t help that she was distracted every time his shirt lifted up briefly to reveal a line of dark hair from his navel straight down to his belt buckle. She resolved to get him back, but every time she tried, she found herself the loser. Finally, panting on the ground, she decided enough was enough.

“I can’t,” she said. “You’re too good.”

“Nah,” Ezra replied, putting his hand out to her and pulling her up. “Lots of practice.”

Sabine shut down the Darksaber, and he did the same with his, cutting off the electronic hums and letting the night sounds of Atollon surround them again. Sabine regarded him, backlit by the moon. His face broke into a smile, and he motioned with his hand. “Come on.”

Sabine followed him up the rise and out of the small depression they’d set their camp up in. At the top, Ezra put his hand out again, and she took it and let him pull her up over the lip.

“It’s beautiful out here,” Ezra said as he looked out over the coral mesa. A warm wind blew back across them, cooling Sabine after their sparring. “It seems so peaceful. Easy to forget that we’re in this giant battle, you know?”

“Yes,” Sabine agreed. It had been a long time since she’d been alone with him at night like this where they could just _be_ , not in the middle of a mission or other tense situation. They could just simply soak up the atmosphere and enjoy each other’s presence without fear of stormtroopers or discovery or death. It made Sabine feel…bold. Courageous. Like the night could whisper her secrets out loud.

“You really are good,” she said, and heard Ezra’s clothes rustle as he turned to her. She stared straight ahead, not daring to look at him. “Very good.”

“Thanks,” Ezra said awkwardly, as if unsure how to take the compliment. “It’s, um…a skill, I guess.”

Sabine smiled and crossed her arms tight, the cool grip of the Darksaber against her palm. Outwardly, Ezra was brash and cocky and irritating, and while that certainly was a large part of his personality, there was also this quiet side to him, that didn’t know how to respond to kind words like this.

“Do you think you would have wanted this?” she asked. “If you had known?”

“To be a Jedi?” Sabine nodded, and she heard his clothes shift again as he shrugged. “I don’t know, really. I’m not sure I wanted to be anything when I met you guys. Certainly didn’t think I was anything special. I still don’t, really… But a Jedi?” He sighed, and Sabine turned to see him rubbing his eyes. “I don’t know, Sabine. If I’d been given the choice, what I would have chosen. I think, in the end, what I truly would’ve wanted was to have my family together. For my parents to have stayed.” He opened his eyes and blinked up at the moon. “But I got to meet you guys, and I have a purpose. That’s important, too.”

“You do have a purpose,” Sabine agreed. She reached out and took his hand, weaving her fingers between his. He looked down at their linked hands for a moment, then back up at her. “You’re right that I can always repair things with my parents, while you don’t have that chance anymore.”

“I didn’t mean – ”

“I know what you meant. What I mean is…” Shavit, what _did_ she mean? She decided to completely switch tacks. “I’m glad you’re here.”

The night felt so comfortable, so warm and calm and _good_ , that Sabine tilted her head to the side and leaned it on Ezra’s shoulder. He was rigid at first – she was _not_ affectionate – but then he wrapped his arm around her waist.

“I will always trust you with my life,” Ezra said, “and place it in your hands.”

Sabine smiled and looked up at him. Feeling her shift, Ezra looked down…and his fingers clenched on her waist. Suddenly, she felt something between them, something she didn’t want to name. Ezra seemed to feel the same thing, his lips tightening slightly as he looked at her and the moon shone in his eyes. Her mind escaped her, no matter how hard she tried to pull it back, and it wandered. She wondered what it would be like to have one night with him. He would make it so good for her, even with no experience. While she’d had a couple boyfriends at the Academy that she’d really liked, she’d never felt _this_ level of attraction and want. Never had her mind wandered away with itself and made her wonder what if, what if, what if…

Suddenly, all the physical things she’d experienced with those boys felt like nothing compared to this moment. Sabine turned into Ezra, placing her hand on his chest, feeling the soft fabric of his shirt underneath her palm. Still looking down at her, he brought his own hand up and wrapped it around hers. His heart beat under her hand, a little too quick for them to be at rest.

“I trust you with my life, too,” she said. “I hope you know how much.”

“I know,” he answered, his voice rough like he hadn’t used it in a very long time. She worried, then, that he might say something, confess in the darkness that he’d always had feelings for her (even though she knew), make things awkward and ruin it.

But he didn’t. He just looked at her, taking her in, breathing quietly in the night. And instead, she found that _she_ was the one who wanted to say something, confess something…or _do_ something.

With her free hand, she reached up to his face to caress his cheek and down his jaw. Then she guided his face to hers, and she finally, finally kissed him. He returned it sweetly, his hand clenching on hers over his heart. Neither of them made any move to deepen it, and it was so different from Sabine’s other kisses. The other guys had instantly put their tongue in her mouth, but Ezra didn’t, taking it slow. And it wasn’t like this was his first kiss and he didn’t know what to do; she’d certainly caught an eyeful that time when he was very briefly dating Lieutenant Derry (if “dating” could even be used to describe it). He was clearly showing restraint, showing her he respected her and didn’t want to do anything else without her permission or consent – just like he’d said in the maintenance closet on Ertis.

Sabine let go of his hand so she could turn fully toward him and clasp him around his neck. She wanted to pull him close. She wanted him to feel like it was okay, that she trusted him. Gently, she opened his mouth with hers, and his arms wrapped around her waist as he sighed into her mouth. It was so peaceful in the still night, the only sounds the ones of contented wildlife. They took it slow, learning one another, enjoying it, and after a time, Sabine let her hand drift down his back, along the curves of him. He was all hardness, firm muscles and definition, carved from hours of precise Jedi training. She was pleasantly surprised, though she probably shouldn’t have been. She’d seen that look in Hera’s eye when she watched Kanan and thought no one was looking…

Ezra twitched when Sabine’s hand slipped under his shirt to glide along his bare skin, then he quietly laughed it off.

“Is this okay?” she whispered.

“Yeah,” he whispered back. His own hands cradled her jaw, and his breath was warm across her lips. “Yeah, it’s fine. It’s good.”

“Good.”

She kissed him again, moving her fingertips over to catch in that line of coarse hair below his navel that she’d glimpsed earlier. She longed to drag her fingers down it.

Ezra made a sound in the back of his throat when Sabine touched him there, and he pulled away, leaned his forehead against hers, and held onto her waist.

“Sorry,” he said, his voice a little breathless, but a smile traced in it. “Sensitive. I guess all of me is.”

Sabine smiled back but didn’t reply, just closed her eyes and focused on the feel of him and his presence.

“Sabine…your ex…um… Will you let me know if I’m ever pushing you? Into something you don’t want to do?”

Moving her hands to his upper arms, she looked him in his eyes and assured him, “I don’t think that’s going to happen, Ezra. You’re the exact opposite of him. That stuff, it was nothing serious. Just basic stuff, and it was only a couple times before I put my foot down. I didn’t talk about it to anyone, but I’m over it now. Now that I told you.”

Ezra raised his eyebrows. “Need me to kill him?” When she smiled, he added, “ ’Cause I will. I’ll hunt him down and everything. Go full Jedi powers on him. Really make him regret it.”

“Sweet of you to offer,” Sabine said, “but you would not. You’re a pacifist by nature. Plus, wouldn’t that be the dark side?”

“Yeah, kinda.”

Chuckling, Sabine buried her face in his chest, and he wrapped his arms around her again and tucked her closer as he tilted his chin down to the top of her head.

“It’ll be different with you,” she said, and it was a slip-up, the words igniting the air and burning her cheeks as soon as they fell out of her mouth. Ezra’s arms immediately tightened around her – she wondered just _what_ images were going through his mind right now – and she could swear she heard his heart pick up a few extra beats. “Not that I’ve thought about it,” she amended in her most acid, snide tone.

“No, of course not,” Ezra said. His voice was a bit thin.

With another smile, Sabine stepped back a little, and when he looked down at her again, she gave him a peck on the lips. “Better get back. More training in the morning. Need to rest up.”

“Right.” Ezra let go of her and ran a hand back through his hair, distracted. “Right…”

Sabine couldn’t help but laugh. “Think you’ll be able to manage it?”

He gave her a shy smile. “I don’t know, but I guess I’m going to have to try.”

“ ‘Do or – ’ ”

“Oh, for… Don’t start that. Not at this hour. No.”

Sabine laughed again and took off for their camp. He raced after her. And in the calm of the night, a massive coral structure shifted to watch them, and it smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> If you like this, I hope you’ll subscribe to the fic and also to me as an [ author](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starbird/pseuds/Loth-Cat) so you get an email as soon as I update! :) I’m on tumblr @lothcatlovesysalamiri and post updates there as well. Sometimes.


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